Learning to Date

I'm sure there is a gaping hole between when I left Hawaii and now, so I will quickly fill the gap. I found a place with two nice roommates, painted my room a light grey-blue and filled the room with white and blue things. It's a lovely room in a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood. And yes, sometimes I make myself want to puke. Ha ha. I feel fully over my ex, and haven't talked with him in months except to ask how the proceedings are coming. I feel liberated and happy most of the time.

I found a job with a catering company that has you serving at banquets and other events all around town, but the work is very last-minute, so I also took a job waitressing at a BBQ joint in Davis Square. One of my acquaintances called it a landmark. So I work at a landmark, and there tend to be a lot of men who frequent the place, it being BBQ and all. I think of it as a perk. I also work with a few very cute men, one of whom is a complete flamer. He is a very hot flamer.

I signed up on a dating site, OKCupid.com after hearing about it from "Vivian", and have been out on some very bad dates and some good ones. The first person I went out on quite a few dates with was Daniel. He was very handsome, fairly smart about some things, not at all motivated, and a complete hot mess. Apparently he has Asperger's syndrome, which basically causes social problems like not knowing how to interact properly at times. I swear, this wasn't very apparent until 2-3 dates in, and even then it didn't seem that bad. Until one day we were having sex and he practically yelled "I need water!!!" Oh my God. Okay. Here's a glass of water... He was also incredibly clingy and needy. Hot mess. Stopped seeing him.

In between then and now, I went out with quite a few people who were decent guys, but either a) looked a lot worse than their online photo b) had social issues or c) I felt little to no spark with. I wouldn't change any of it. If this were easy, we wouldn't appreciate the good when it happened. It's also really interesting to see the kinds of people that are out there.

About a month ago I met Jonathan. After our first date I didn't know if I wanted to go out with him again. He was pretty socially awkward and the volume of his voice seemed loud and he didn't offer to buy my taco (Mexican place, of course, like a local Taco Bell). I didn't need him to buy my taco, but it would have been a nice gesture. Anyhow, after getting to know him a little more I got infatuated. He has amazing taste in books and movies and music. He's a computer programmer, and he's SO smart. He's very open and is always honest, even if it's not what I want to hear. He's pretty awesome. I went and got even more infatuated, to the point where I was contermplating the difference between infatuation and love. This is a standing question. What is the difference between love and infatuation? I care about him. I'm infatuated with him. That doesn't equal love though...what is the key ingredient in love?? I love being around him, and I love being with him. But that's not loving him. This is hard for me. I told him a week or two ago that I wasn't interested in a committed relationship, and he thought about it, and adjusted his expectations accordingly. And then I got infatuated. Stupid girl. Sometimes I can't stand the fact that I'm a stereotype. I am a woman who doesn't know what she wants.

I want to date and see what's out there, but I also want to have someone to be there for me and for me to be there for them. I want to have someone available at the end of the day to share time with, share important details of the day with if there are any, and cuddle and watch movies with. I certainly don't miss my ex, but I love physical intimacy (cuddling and kissing and other things) and I would love to have someone there for that. I thought for a while I wanted a friends with benefits situation, but now I'm not so sure. Jonathan's amazing in a lot of ways. No, he's not perfect. Of course not, and I can see that. It feels amazing to be in his arms though, and I love the time we spend together.

Anyhow, last night I told him that I didn't want to hurt him and he said he didn't want to hurt me. I asked how he thought he might hurt me, and he said he didn't feel as crazy about me as I seemed to feel about him. Ouch. We talked about it a little more, and he said that it takes him some time to feel strongly about people (or at least it did in the past). He said he was in love with being in love at the beginning of his relationship with his ex, and that resonated strongly with me. I'm in love with being in love. Realistically, I've gone out on dates with about 10 people since I've moved here, and Jonathan happens to be the best of that group. I could definitely fall for him, but it feels horrible to learn that he's not that crazy about me. He told me that his "type" is usually thin blondes or Asians. And I think sometimes the fact that my memory isn't stellar sometimes bothers him. I also like to drink and he really doesn't drink. It certainly isn't a perfect fit between us, and I can see that. I guess I just thought that those kinds of difference didn't matter at the end of the day, as long as they were just minor in both of our minds. I don't know how important those things are to him. I guess my only issues with him are that he can be kind of insensitive (saying how hot girls on tv are, etc) and he can be kind of awkward in public (very loud laugh, saying questionable things about people within earshot, voice modulation issues). Also, since he hasn't dated much, I don't feel like he could know what's best for him in a partner, and he might just settle for me because I'm here. Of course I don't want that.

Right now I just feel kind of hurt and confused, because I have gotten used to my affections being 100% returned, and it's not so with Jonathan. I guess I thought when I found someone who I wanted to be with, they would have no reservations about being with me. I guess I can conclude that maybe it's not right between Jonathan and I, and that's okay. This is dating. I have had to reject a lot of guys because I didn't feel that spark, and now perhaps someone else doesn't feel the same spark that I feel with them. Now I know what it's like to be on the other side, and I'm sure that's for the best. Maybe it will work out with Jonathan. Maybe it won't. I definitely have to figure out whether I want to move forward and be exclusive with someone if the right person does come along. I think maybe I have done the dating thing for long enough now to be happy in a relationship again. It is still a little soon though, and I don't want to be with someone just to be with SOMEONE.

Also, what if I get into a relationship, and I meet someone who is better for me, but I can't date them because I'm in the relationship? I don't like that, but it wold be hard to be in an open relationship, for me and for the other person in the relationship. If I cared about someone, it would be hard to think about them sleeping with someone else, at least while I was madly infatuated with them. Wouldn't it?