Tim keeps saying that if leaving is hard for me, maybe I shouldn't be going. I know better, but it does seem counterintuitive. He said he wanted me to stay here as long as I would, of course this was after accusing me of "sponging" off him, and saying that I was laying around here getting fatter every day. Cool. I'm putting together a list so that when I look back ad remember the good times, I will also be able to see the bad.
1. He makes me feel guilty if he doesn't get sex every night.
2. He demands attention nearly constantly.
3. He doesn't consider my wants/needs when making big decisions, like where to live.
4. He says really nasty things when mad (see above)
5. He wanted to keep our finances separate all the years I was dead-ass broke, and going to school and working full time.
6. He doesn't brush his tongue when he brushes his teeth, resulting in the most foul smell, a visible coating of plaque on his tongue, and the grossest slimy texture when kissing.
7. I can smell his breath 6 feet away in the morning before he brushes his teeth, which usually takes several hours, and he proceeds to give me open-mouth kisses with said breath.
8. He only makes concessions (like a cat) when he thinks I'm leaving.
9. He freaks out if I want to go out with friends without him.
10. He's condescending.
11. He said because the AF gives half retirement pay to the spouse of a retiree who's been with them at least ten years, he would get out early just to spite said spouse.
12. He's mean to servers and customer service people, and says things loudly in public about people in his immediate surroundings.
13. He cheats (emotionally if not physically), lies, and time after time breaks my trust and then makes ME feel bad because I'm "destroying us."
I shipped the last of my boxes today. I think I've singlehandedly kept the post office in business for the year. I know I've spent more than $200 by now, but I guess that's not that bad. I have to ship my car tomorrow. I'm glad it's going with me, but now I have to worry about insurance and stuff. I hope I get a job quickly. Over the course of throwing things out and shipping things, I've thrown out/given away about 10 full trash bags of stuff. I don't want to part with one more thing. I can't bear it. Moving sucks. I have to decide whether to keep or throw away old letters Tim sent me. I'm leaning toward throwing them away.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Oh My
This week has been crazy. After telling Tim that I was leaving last week (almost two weeks ago now), he told me he wanted to spend a memorable Valentine's Day together and booked a trip to Sonoma for the two of us. This, as you can guess, was a horrible idea. I should never have gone, but I have this problem of not putting my foot down. Two days into this vacation, I got a call from a scientific temp agency in Boston telling me the position I applied for was already taken, but they would call me if anything appropriate opened up. This did not go well with Tim. Over the course of the vacation, he smothered me, got mad at me, put his wedding ring in my hand angrily, asked for it back, and told me I was a bad person. Huh.
Two nights later, I asked him to sign a paper releasing the Jetta to be shipped to California, since he said I should have it. In case you're wondering, I made it perfectly clear the whole vacation that I was still leaving. He threatened to kill himself by jumping off our 27-story-high balcony. I called the suicide prevention hotline to see what their advice was, because clearly I don't want Tim to kill himself. They asked for the backstory and after hearing it, said he was "a real womanizer" and that I should leave without any notice. This was not exactly what I expected to hear, but it was probably what I needed to hear. I am taking their advice, and doing what I think is right for me. I feel terrible thinking about Tim coming home to an empty apartment shocked, but he really hasn't given me much of a choice, has he? I tried to be open and honest.
So, until I get on the plane next week (flight is as yet to be scheduled), I sit here and pretend everything is fine. I hate it. He wants me to apply for a bunch of jobs here. He is so needy all the time. He needs constant attention and guilt-tripped me for not having sex with him, when my stomach hurts. Stupid man. I'm dreading his constant begging calls when he realizes that I'm gone, but looking forward to not having him around. Still, I might miss him a little. That's what a new cat is for though. I'm only going to consider apartments that allow cats in my move. I do dread having to tell people that I'm currently separated though, and later down the line, that I'm divorced. Yuck. It wouldn't be very forthcoming not to tell people though, would it? What are the guidelines of how well you have to know someone before telling them? A few days? Weeks? Months? What about people you're dating? Hmm.
I looked on target.com for bedding ideas. I can't wait. I might even do something girly, like a floral print or something in pink or purple. My favorite comforter was white with two very large navy blue flowers on it. It was lovely. I hope I can paint my new room.
Two nights later, I asked him to sign a paper releasing the Jetta to be shipped to California, since he said I should have it. In case you're wondering, I made it perfectly clear the whole vacation that I was still leaving. He threatened to kill himself by jumping off our 27-story-high balcony. I called the suicide prevention hotline to see what their advice was, because clearly I don't want Tim to kill himself. They asked for the backstory and after hearing it, said he was "a real womanizer" and that I should leave without any notice. This was not exactly what I expected to hear, but it was probably what I needed to hear. I am taking their advice, and doing what I think is right for me. I feel terrible thinking about Tim coming home to an empty apartment shocked, but he really hasn't given me much of a choice, has he? I tried to be open and honest.
So, until I get on the plane next week (flight is as yet to be scheduled), I sit here and pretend everything is fine. I hate it. He wants me to apply for a bunch of jobs here. He is so needy all the time. He needs constant attention and guilt-tripped me for not having sex with him, when my stomach hurts. Stupid man. I'm dreading his constant begging calls when he realizes that I'm gone, but looking forward to not having him around. Still, I might miss him a little. That's what a new cat is for though. I'm only going to consider apartments that allow cats in my move. I do dread having to tell people that I'm currently separated though, and later down the line, that I'm divorced. Yuck. It wouldn't be very forthcoming not to tell people though, would it? What are the guidelines of how well you have to know someone before telling them? A few days? Weeks? Months? What about people you're dating? Hmm.
I looked on target.com for bedding ideas. I can't wait. I might even do something girly, like a floral print or something in pink or purple. My favorite comforter was white with two very large navy blue flowers on it. It was lovely. I hope I can paint my new room.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Gideon and Tim
I have a secret that I want to share today. I could not stop thinking about Gideon last night. I was thinking about a letter that I would write to him. I would tell him what an amazing, smart, funny, attractive, wonderful teacher, and caring guy I think he is. Because he truly is. But the thing is, I think he has low self-esteem. He is self-deprecating, which makes him all the more endearing, but I can't fathom how someone like that would not know how incredible he really is. Maybe I am wrong, and it's just part of his sense of humor...but I think he feels some truth in the remarks. Maybe I should tell you a little about Gideon. He has rugged good looks, has his PhD in chemistry, and is the most humble, welcoming guy that you would ever want to meet. So that's it. When I move to Boston and perhaps reenter the dating 'scene', I will take comfort in knowing that there was an amazing man out there in his thirties, still looking for his person. I thought men like him only came in Jane Austen novels. I hope if he ever reads this, he is not terribly embarassed by the things I have said. Whatever woman finds herself in his path would be crazy not to turn her life upside down in the hopes of being with him. I hope with all of my heart that Gideon finds a person who deserves him, and I hope his professional life rises to meet his capabilities. **I should be very clear that my adoration for this guy had absolutely nothing to do with my current situation. It is just good to know that there is a guy out there as good as Gideon.**
On another note, I told Tim last night. At first he was angry, and said I had been looking for a way out for a long time, that if it hadn't been this, it would have been something else that I left him for. Well, maybe that's true, because it seems no matter how many chances I give him, he always manages to fuck things up. After the anger wore off, he asked me to stay, and when I refused, asked for a week to process this and decide what he wants to do about the car that is in both of our names, the Jetta. The lease on it is up in about 2 years. I guess I figured I would take the car that I am driving and he would take the one that he is driving, but it is understandable for him to need to think about this. If he wants to keep it, I guess I will fly straight to Boston. I am bummed that if it goes this way, I won't get to see some of the friends that I was planning on seeing in California and Seattle, and my parents in Montana. I was sort of looking forward to the drive to clear my head and be alone with my thoughts.
I feel sorry for Tim at times like these. Sometimes I think he is a conniving selfish wretch of a person to keep breaking my trust and making promises that he almost immediately breaks...and sometimes I feel sorry for him because I think he is either so lost or so confused that he just can't help but sabotage himself. He said the only reason he talked to her was because he wanted to properly say goodbye. Why couldn't he have told me this, instead of going behind my back again? He offered to stop talking to her forever...I didn't twist his arm to offer that, but he did, and I made it perfectly clear that I accepted that offer, because in previous times he has claimed that he didn't think I actually wanted him to do something he said he was going to do...men... Last night he put on a show of emailing her "one last time" telling her that he can never talk to her again and that he has destroyed the thing dearest to him. You know what? Too little, too late. He should have either talked to me instead of going behind my back, or made good on his original promise not to talk to her. He claimed to have said goodbye over two months ago. I'm done, but I do feel a little bad for him because he pulls this little puppy act like he honestly didn't know what he was doing to us.
I think all of this would be whole lot easier if I saw things in black and white. He has had too many chances, and he's an asshole in a lot more ways than one. When it comes down to it though, we still have some good times together. It's just a lot more bad than good at this point, and he keeps proving that he will never change. Some of the good things include having someone grateful to cook for, someone to share your life with, Sunday drives to the North Shore holding hands in the car, and movie nights when he isn't demanding that his feet are rubbed and we've managed to pick a movie we both enjoy. The bad: demanding attention (a LOT more than he gives me), his not even pretending that he's vaguely interested in some of the things I do when I do the same for him, the lying, the cheating, his high-strung nature (being annoyed when someone taps their foot or something), his being mean to strangers, like waitresses or other people in general, his being mean to ME on occaision, and his bigotry and selfishness. Still, marriage is a huge commitment and not one I took lightly, so I feel like I have to be absolutely sure that I'm doing the right thing here. I think I am.
On another note, I told Tim last night. At first he was angry, and said I had been looking for a way out for a long time, that if it hadn't been this, it would have been something else that I left him for. Well, maybe that's true, because it seems no matter how many chances I give him, he always manages to fuck things up. After the anger wore off, he asked me to stay, and when I refused, asked for a week to process this and decide what he wants to do about the car that is in both of our names, the Jetta. The lease on it is up in about 2 years. I guess I figured I would take the car that I am driving and he would take the one that he is driving, but it is understandable for him to need to think about this. If he wants to keep it, I guess I will fly straight to Boston. I am bummed that if it goes this way, I won't get to see some of the friends that I was planning on seeing in California and Seattle, and my parents in Montana. I was sort of looking forward to the drive to clear my head and be alone with my thoughts.
I feel sorry for Tim at times like these. Sometimes I think he is a conniving selfish wretch of a person to keep breaking my trust and making promises that he almost immediately breaks...and sometimes I feel sorry for him because I think he is either so lost or so confused that he just can't help but sabotage himself. He said the only reason he talked to her was because he wanted to properly say goodbye. Why couldn't he have told me this, instead of going behind my back again? He offered to stop talking to her forever...I didn't twist his arm to offer that, but he did, and I made it perfectly clear that I accepted that offer, because in previous times he has claimed that he didn't think I actually wanted him to do something he said he was going to do...men... Last night he put on a show of emailing her "one last time" telling her that he can never talk to her again and that he has destroyed the thing dearest to him. You know what? Too little, too late. He should have either talked to me instead of going behind my back, or made good on his original promise not to talk to her. He claimed to have said goodbye over two months ago. I'm done, but I do feel a little bad for him because he pulls this little puppy act like he honestly didn't know what he was doing to us.
I think all of this would be whole lot easier if I saw things in black and white. He has had too many chances, and he's an asshole in a lot more ways than one. When it comes down to it though, we still have some good times together. It's just a lot more bad than good at this point, and he keeps proving that he will never change. Some of the good things include having someone grateful to cook for, someone to share your life with, Sunday drives to the North Shore holding hands in the car, and movie nights when he isn't demanding that his feet are rubbed and we've managed to pick a movie we both enjoy. The bad: demanding attention (a LOT more than he gives me), his not even pretending that he's vaguely interested in some of the things I do when I do the same for him, the lying, the cheating, his high-strung nature (being annoyed when someone taps their foot or something), his being mean to strangers, like waitresses or other people in general, his being mean to ME on occaision, and his bigotry and selfishness. Still, marriage is a huge commitment and not one I took lightly, so I feel like I have to be absolutely sure that I'm doing the right thing here. I think I am.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
This is Surreal
I'm still feeling strange, and uneasy. My stomach always feels like it's flipping, so I haven't eaten that much. Don't get me wrong, I eat a couple of times a day, but my stomach just feels weird. I'm glad to be not eating so much...I need to lose weight anyway. It's hard to lose weight when you're living with a guy.
I was on Craigslist last night looking at the personals, just for fun, because soon, I can actually date if I want to (not that I necessarily want to date on CL). Man, there are a lot of weirdos out there. Some guys go so far as to list what color eyes and hair and what size you should wear. Get real you idiots! You're on Craigslist, looking for a date. Oh yeah, and a lot of the guys are borderline illiterate (if you want go out for good time rig me up). That's attractive. Go to a bar, jackass.
Today was the day I planned to tell Tim I'm leaving. Oh boy. He just called to tell me about a formal event next Friday. I need to tell him. No matter what he's done to me, I don't want to go on living this lie. Two and a half weeks is a long time to live with someone when they know you're going to be leaving. He'll try to talk me out of it again. That's the worst part. I find it difficult to go from treating someone like you love them to treating them like you don't, at least when I'm living with them. My friends, even the ones who I've just recently gotten back in touch with, have been wonderful to me. To any of you reading this, thank you. Thank you for offering assistance where you can and for being there for support. I hate to think I'm a "taker," more than a giver, but I guess there are times in your life when you don't have a whole lot more to give than your friendship.
I feel like I had some deep thoughts yesterday night that I wanted to share on here, but now I can't remember what they were. Maybe the glass of wine just made me think they were deep...
I was on Craigslist last night looking at the personals, just for fun, because soon, I can actually date if I want to (not that I necessarily want to date on CL). Man, there are a lot of weirdos out there. Some guys go so far as to list what color eyes and hair and what size you should wear. Get real you idiots! You're on Craigslist, looking for a date. Oh yeah, and a lot of the guys are borderline illiterate (if you want go out for good time rig me up). That's attractive. Go to a bar, jackass.
Today was the day I planned to tell Tim I'm leaving. Oh boy. He just called to tell me about a formal event next Friday. I need to tell him. No matter what he's done to me, I don't want to go on living this lie. Two and a half weeks is a long time to live with someone when they know you're going to be leaving. He'll try to talk me out of it again. That's the worst part. I find it difficult to go from treating someone like you love them to treating them like you don't, at least when I'm living with them. My friends, even the ones who I've just recently gotten back in touch with, have been wonderful to me. To any of you reading this, thank you. Thank you for offering assistance where you can and for being there for support. I hate to think I'm a "taker," more than a giver, but I guess there are times in your life when you don't have a whole lot more to give than your friendship.
I feel like I had some deep thoughts yesterday night that I wanted to share on here, but now I can't remember what they were. Maybe the glass of wine just made me think they were deep...
Monday, February 9, 2009
Feeling Strange
A couple of months ago I almost left. I came about this close [] to booking my car to be shipped. But I let Tim convince me that things would change. A friend said she was proud of me for making this decision, and I am too. That feels good. It's strange to be packing everything up. I don't have much to do during the days now. All I really have to do, besides tell Tim, is box some things up and book my flight. I'm so anxious. I wish the process of shipping a car was a shorter one. I would be on the road right now if I didn't have to ship my car. In fact, I might already be in Boston.
The decision to move to Boston was a little tough. It is the pharmaceutical capital in the world, so it makes sense for me to go there. Plus, I always thought Sacramento would feel like home, but now that my parents have left, it doesn't. However, I do have some friends there that I would like to see again (Cindel, Kelly, Shannon). That would be nice. Everyone's doing pretty well, especially Shannon and Cindel. Kelly's life is changing just like mine. I sort of wonder if I'll ever have friends like those, the type that you want to look up even when you haven't seen them in a long time. I doubt it, but now that I have a chance to go somewhere and stay there, the chance of long-lasting friendships is good. That's nice.
This all just feels strange. I am ending a chapter of my life. In three months I have quit grad school and am about to end my marriage, or at least be legally separated. How will he take it? A big part of me doesn't care. I don't care about him anymore. Maybe that's harsh, but it's true. I stopped liking him for a lot of his bad qualities a long time ago. Months? Years? I don't know exactly. But I didn't stop loving him until about five months ago, or maybe even a few days ago. Maybe a small part of me will always love him, but I don't think so. I don't think I'll be all that curious where he is or who is in his life. There will always be some girl who he sweeps off her feet and who wants to be taken care of. A few years later she will probably realize that he will do nothing of the sort, that he will break her trust and begrudge her rent if she doesn't chip in for it. He is insecure and selfish. That is what it boils down to. But it's okay. There are things about me that resulted from my being with him, and if this hadn't happened, I would have wondered if he was my someone. The love of my life. Maybe he is. He's not worth it anymore, and I'm sure of that, even if he was the love of my life. I'm good with that.
I get to catch the tail end of the cold! I am excited about that. I miss the seasons, and I think somehow, that I was meant to live somewhere that it gets cold. Maybe it's something in my blood, from having ancestors who survived in the cold, but there is definitely something in me that loves the cold, the white winters. Yes, i know it turns to slush and gets hard to drive in, but I love it. Maybe I'll even die in a car crash because of it. I told you I was feeling strange. I didn't mention to you that I was in a car crash a couple of days before Christmas in Michigan. Tim was driving. We slid and crashed into a car that was horizontal in the road, and then someone hit us from behind. The seat I was in got so distorted and bent. Amazing to think I was in that seat. I just sustained deep bruising that went away in a month. That was a painful month. But now I can look back at it and think, Gosh, I'm glad it doesn't hurt to twist or lie down anymore.
Three fighter jets seem to be putting on a show outside my balcony. I feel like those jets, free, and potentially dead because of my own choices. I guess that's what free is.
The decision to move to Boston was a little tough. It is the pharmaceutical capital in the world, so it makes sense for me to go there. Plus, I always thought Sacramento would feel like home, but now that my parents have left, it doesn't. However, I do have some friends there that I would like to see again (Cindel, Kelly, Shannon). That would be nice. Everyone's doing pretty well, especially Shannon and Cindel. Kelly's life is changing just like mine. I sort of wonder if I'll ever have friends like those, the type that you want to look up even when you haven't seen them in a long time. I doubt it, but now that I have a chance to go somewhere and stay there, the chance of long-lasting friendships is good. That's nice.
This all just feels strange. I am ending a chapter of my life. In three months I have quit grad school and am about to end my marriage, or at least be legally separated. How will he take it? A big part of me doesn't care. I don't care about him anymore. Maybe that's harsh, but it's true. I stopped liking him for a lot of his bad qualities a long time ago. Months? Years? I don't know exactly. But I didn't stop loving him until about five months ago, or maybe even a few days ago. Maybe a small part of me will always love him, but I don't think so. I don't think I'll be all that curious where he is or who is in his life. There will always be some girl who he sweeps off her feet and who wants to be taken care of. A few years later she will probably realize that he will do nothing of the sort, that he will break her trust and begrudge her rent if she doesn't chip in for it. He is insecure and selfish. That is what it boils down to. But it's okay. There are things about me that resulted from my being with him, and if this hadn't happened, I would have wondered if he was my someone. The love of my life. Maybe he is. He's not worth it anymore, and I'm sure of that, even if he was the love of my life. I'm good with that.
I get to catch the tail end of the cold! I am excited about that. I miss the seasons, and I think somehow, that I was meant to live somewhere that it gets cold. Maybe it's something in my blood, from having ancestors who survived in the cold, but there is definitely something in me that loves the cold, the white winters. Yes, i know it turns to slush and gets hard to drive in, but I love it. Maybe I'll even die in a car crash because of it. I told you I was feeling strange. I didn't mention to you that I was in a car crash a couple of days before Christmas in Michigan. Tim was driving. We slid and crashed into a car that was horizontal in the road, and then someone hit us from behind. The seat I was in got so distorted and bent. Amazing to think I was in that seat. I just sustained deep bruising that went away in a month. That was a painful month. But now I can look back at it and think, Gosh, I'm glad it doesn't hurt to twist or lie down anymore.
Three fighter jets seem to be putting on a show outside my balcony. I feel like those jets, free, and potentially dead because of my own choices. I guess that's what free is.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sick
Well, yet again, I am convinced I should leave. I feel sick. Like I have a cold and I can feel the blood flowing through my veins because my body knows that I am not well. I found an innocent-enough email from Tim to this friend he said he would NEVER talk to again, and it's over. I don't care if there aren't implications of cheating, it's enough that he's breaking my trust yet again.
I just hate him right now. You know, a couple of munths ago we were at his family's for Christmas and he started teasing me about something I told him never to mention and I blurted out, "I HATE you!" I felt bad, but what shocked me was that I really did hate him, that it didn't feel like a lie when I said it. I do. I hate him for taking this 14-year-old girl and lying to her and making her love him when he wasn't available to be loved, and for making so many promises that he never kept. He said he would get a divorce and wait for me, he said I wouldn't be alone for New Year's, and then he cheated on not one, but TWO people. How do you do that? He is such an ugly person that I never want anything to do with him again. I hate him so much.
He then went onto tell Brynn that he loved her, that he wanted to fly her out here, that he wished he could take care of her when she was sick. All this while promising his devotion to me. THEN, he made reservations for two, him and Amanda at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. And rented a nice hotel for the night. I want to die, but that would be too easy. I have to make it and start enjoying my life. It will be nice to put all this behind me. And how fitting, it has been a decade since we first got so serious. I will call it the learning decade.
I just hate him right now. You know, a couple of munths ago we were at his family's for Christmas and he started teasing me about something I told him never to mention and I blurted out, "I HATE you!" I felt bad, but what shocked me was that I really did hate him, that it didn't feel like a lie when I said it. I do. I hate him for taking this 14-year-old girl and lying to her and making her love him when he wasn't available to be loved, and for making so many promises that he never kept. He said he would get a divorce and wait for me, he said I wouldn't be alone for New Year's, and then he cheated on not one, but TWO people. How do you do that? He is such an ugly person that I never want anything to do with him again. I hate him so much.
He then went onto tell Brynn that he loved her, that he wanted to fly her out here, that he wished he could take care of her when she was sick. All this while promising his devotion to me. THEN, he made reservations for two, him and Amanda at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. And rented a nice hotel for the night. I want to die, but that would be too easy. I have to make it and start enjoying my life. It will be nice to put all this behind me. And how fitting, it has been a decade since we first got so serious. I will call it the learning decade.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
It's been So Long!
It's been a very long time since I blogged. A year, in fact. I have been applying for jobs in Hawaii and on the mainland, but have only heard from the jobs in Hawaii that I'm really not crazy about. It would just be to pass the time until Tim got restationed, to God Knows Where. Argh!
Just to fill in the cracks since I last wrote, I quit graduate school because we were expected to work 60 hours a week and I was not living my life because of it. You have to have some balance. Also, things with Tim have not been good. We argue, where we never argued before. The difference, you ask? The difference is that I'm growing a spine. For the longest time, I would be quiet and not express my feelings if Tim did something that bothered me, but I have been trying to voice myself. How can you have a relationship if the other person doesn't know you, doesn't respect you, and doesn't want to?
Oh trust me, I have berated myself for this relationship, I have seriously thought about leaving, and I still am. He promised to treat me so wonderfully that I would never want to leave. Well, it lasted about a month. Then Mr Hyde arrived again. Forget it! I want to be done with the disrespect, the wondering if he cheated on me (which I probably deserve considering how the relationship started), the obligation sex! The obligation sex is the worst!! Boooriiiing. Yes, I know that's terrible and it shouldn't be said, but this is my blog and I need to vent!! So here it is, the question: Should I leave him for good? He was desperate when I told him I was going to leave, and it made me think he wants this so badly that maybe he can change. But he can't really, can he? After his fear of me leaving wore off, things went right back to normal. I think I just want to find a job on the mainland and move there all by myself. it's just so hard to find a job there until you actually live there. Employers don't want to fly you out to interview you or worry about relocation costs if they do hire you. Bleh. I think perhaps the only way to do this is to dive right in, move, and try to find a job. But it's so scary. What if you don't find a job for months? I have some money, but not several months' worth.
Just to fill in the cracks since I last wrote, I quit graduate school because we were expected to work 60 hours a week and I was not living my life because of it. You have to have some balance. Also, things with Tim have not been good. We argue, where we never argued before. The difference, you ask? The difference is that I'm growing a spine. For the longest time, I would be quiet and not express my feelings if Tim did something that bothered me, but I have been trying to voice myself. How can you have a relationship if the other person doesn't know you, doesn't respect you, and doesn't want to?
Oh trust me, I have berated myself for this relationship, I have seriously thought about leaving, and I still am. He promised to treat me so wonderfully that I would never want to leave. Well, it lasted about a month. Then Mr Hyde arrived again. Forget it! I want to be done with the disrespect, the wondering if he cheated on me (which I probably deserve considering how the relationship started), the obligation sex! The obligation sex is the worst!! Boooriiiing. Yes, I know that's terrible and it shouldn't be said, but this is my blog and I need to vent!! So here it is, the question: Should I leave him for good? He was desperate when I told him I was going to leave, and it made me think he wants this so badly that maybe he can change. But he can't really, can he? After his fear of me leaving wore off, things went right back to normal. I think I just want to find a job on the mainland and move there all by myself. it's just so hard to find a job there until you actually live there. Employers don't want to fly you out to interview you or worry about relocation costs if they do hire you. Bleh. I think perhaps the only way to do this is to dive right in, move, and try to find a job. But it's so scary. What if you don't find a job for months? I have some money, but not several months' worth.
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