So, I do great on my placement exams, and then classes start. I'm so behind and pathetic! I need help! My teacher totally called me out in front of the class to do this problem, and I did it wrong. The WHOLE CLASS agreed that my solution was wrong, and I was mortified! Mortified! In my other grad class, I'm already behind because I never took biochemistry. It wasn't required, and yet, I'm behind because I didn't take it.
I feel like crap. How is this happening to me when I was always one of the best students? I nearly cried in the class where I got that problem wrong. I stopped myself from crying, but I still feel like I need to find a way to stop myself from crying more effectively, at least in front of people. Because I almost cried, and I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to be stronger, I want to be the person who can get angry instead of crying or find some other way to either channel my emotions or not have them. At least in school/work situations.
Did I make the right decision to go to grad school? I feel like I did, but this is all so overwhelming. I'm glad I have Annmarie to talk to about this stuff...we're so similar.
You know what's really weird? I've been noticing babies more lately, and NOT grimacing with horror. I think I might actually want kids. Just 2. So that they're neither spoiled or overlooked... I don't really believe anything 'happens for a reason', but what if we had kids soon? I could stay in Hawaii for the next two years, and we could start a family. That's so weird! The other day, I was at a store, and I actually walked around the infant/toddler section, and I found myself smiling at the little duckies and stuff. I'm not ready yet, but I guess I've started thinking about it. Are Tim and I ready for kids?? He's too domineering; I hate that, and it's always been at the back of my mind. I also don't feel like I could REALLY count on him to be there for me. He's too "my way or the highway" and I know he's always looking out for himself first. I can't have a kid with someone like that. So how can I be with him period? I love him, and I love being with him, but there are things that I can't overlook when there's more than my life at stake. However, I am at a point in my life that I could provide for 2 if anything happened. I don't want that though; who does? How am I even considering all of this??? It's too much! Is it just because I feel helpless at school? I don't think so; the infant section mishap happened before any of this. God help me, if there is one.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
My Tests are Done!
I found out I passed 5 out of 6 placement exams and I came really close to passing the one I didn't. So my advisor said I could retake that test before next semester instead of retaking the class. I didn't study for that one, so I'm positive that if I study for it, I will pass it. Six tests covering all the chemistry you learned from your undergraduate degree is just too much to study for at once. Anyhow, I'm really happy at how many I passed. I was taking the tests with a bunch of people who hardly passed any of their tests the first time. This kind of puts me ahead of the curve since I don't have to retake classes and most people do. I feel great about it. I have 4 whole days to goof off before my semester starts!
This semester I am taking a bio-organic class and a structure determination class. So exciting! I am so stoked to start. It turns out that I have to go around and interview at least four professors about their research before I pick one. I've already decided on Dr. Tius, but it can't hurt to hear about what other people in the department are doing. Next week I'm going to see if I can get those interviews out of the way so I can start research with Dr. Tius. I'm going to interview Dr. Vicic (a smart, personable guy working on organometallic reactions), Dr. Jarrett (working on bio-inoganic and bio-organic reactions which I have very little interest in), and Dr. Hemscheidt (the department head and nice, but authoritative, German guy working on natural products organic chemistry). I will get Dr. Tius' signature since I've already talked to him. Again, so excited!
I was looking at my schedule, and it looks so empty compared to my previous semesters. I only have classes Tuesday and Thursday, plus I will TA a class. I don't know which lab I will be TA-ing yet but am excited to find out today or tomorrow. That will take up about 4 more hours a week, probably on a weekday afternoon. Anyhow, I should have plenty of time for research when I start.
I'm hoping the bio-organic class I'm taking isn't too far above me since I don't really know any microbiology, which is part of what it's about I think. Bio was never a favorite subject, but that's because it wasn't tied to chemistry and was way too schizophrenic going from area to area. This class will bring together the parts of bio I actually find interesting, and hopefully it will explain those curvy-line depictions of enzymes/proteins/?? that I've never understood. I want to understand them though because they have a big impact on the pharmaceutical industry. So I'm most excited about that class. It feels like a new chapter in my life :) I have a degree and so far, I'm loving grad school. I hope the feeling lasts. I will finally be doing research that I have a stake in and learning new things and building on the knowledge I have and be part of a group of grad students who really care about their classes and research.
This semester I am taking a bio-organic class and a structure determination class. So exciting! I am so stoked to start. It turns out that I have to go around and interview at least four professors about their research before I pick one. I've already decided on Dr. Tius, but it can't hurt to hear about what other people in the department are doing. Next week I'm going to see if I can get those interviews out of the way so I can start research with Dr. Tius. I'm going to interview Dr. Vicic (a smart, personable guy working on organometallic reactions), Dr. Jarrett (working on bio-inoganic and bio-organic reactions which I have very little interest in), and Dr. Hemscheidt (the department head and nice, but authoritative, German guy working on natural products organic chemistry). I will get Dr. Tius' signature since I've already talked to him. Again, so excited!
I was looking at my schedule, and it looks so empty compared to my previous semesters. I only have classes Tuesday and Thursday, plus I will TA a class. I don't know which lab I will be TA-ing yet but am excited to find out today or tomorrow. That will take up about 4 more hours a week, probably on a weekday afternoon. Anyhow, I should have plenty of time for research when I start.
I'm hoping the bio-organic class I'm taking isn't too far above me since I don't really know any microbiology, which is part of what it's about I think. Bio was never a favorite subject, but that's because it wasn't tied to chemistry and was way too schizophrenic going from area to area. This class will bring together the parts of bio I actually find interesting, and hopefully it will explain those curvy-line depictions of enzymes/proteins/?? that I've never understood. I want to understand them though because they have a big impact on the pharmaceutical industry. So I'm most excited about that class. It feels like a new chapter in my life :) I have a degree and so far, I'm loving grad school. I hope the feeling lasts. I will finally be doing research that I have a stake in and learning new things and building on the knowledge I have and be part of a group of grad students who really care about their classes and research.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Thoughts about Dr. Tius' Lab
Not much new here. I have been thinking a lot about what my upcoming semester will be like. I'm going into a lab that isn't incredibly friendly, and that's sad. Granted I'm not the life of the party, but I don't think I would ever blow somebody off or not be friendly. So I'm wondering how nice people will end up being, because right now all I have are first impressions. I just hope it's not all work and no play, but I could deal with it if it was.
Reasons I want to work in this lab: synthetic chemistry should be the most helpful line of organic chemistry for the career I want (pharmaceutical R&D), the advisor is extremely reputable, and I think this lab will best prepare me for the world, and the knowledge I gain will be the best and most helpful in my future career. Downsides: I may end up graduating later and spending more time in the lab than if I chose another lab.
I've been studying and working out and we went to the beach yesterday. I guess Hawaii has its advantages. I wanted to go for a hike, but Tim wasn't up for it. As of late Thursday afternoon, I will have 3 days to actually relax before I start school next Monday! 3 days. Tuesday through Thursday I have to take like 4 1-1/2 hour exams each day. Yuck! What I wouldn't give for another month of downtime. The way I did my college I haven't even gotten so much as a summer off in between semesters. I kind of wish I could start next fall to take some time to myself, but it's to late for that. :( I really want to scrapbook today instead of studying. I just have one page to do, but I would have to go get the pictures printed and go to this great scrapbooking store. Those places are so great. I can't wait to get some pictures that I could put with a disney theme or hello kitty.
Reasons I want to work in this lab: synthetic chemistry should be the most helpful line of organic chemistry for the career I want (pharmaceutical R&D), the advisor is extremely reputable, and I think this lab will best prepare me for the world, and the knowledge I gain will be the best and most helpful in my future career. Downsides: I may end up graduating later and spending more time in the lab than if I chose another lab.
I've been studying and working out and we went to the beach yesterday. I guess Hawaii has its advantages. I wanted to go for a hike, but Tim wasn't up for it. As of late Thursday afternoon, I will have 3 days to actually relax before I start school next Monday! 3 days. Tuesday through Thursday I have to take like 4 1-1/2 hour exams each day. Yuck! What I wouldn't give for another month of downtime. The way I did my college I haven't even gotten so much as a summer off in between semesters. I kind of wish I could start next fall to take some time to myself, but it's to late for that. :( I really want to scrapbook today instead of studying. I just have one page to do, but I would have to go get the pictures printed and go to this great scrapbooking store. Those places are so great. I can't wait to get some pictures that I could put with a disney theme or hello kitty.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Trust Issues and Lingering Questions
How important is trust? They say that trust is the most important part of a relationship, but how many of us actually trust the people we're with? I feel so sad sometimes. Sometimes I think that the person who gets me most, my husband, is the least trustworthy person I know. And we get along nearly perfectly. But all of his female friends... I knew trust issues were bound to happen before we married, I mean, come on, I'm not stupid. I just hate how perfect we are other than the trust issues. It's so ridiculous.
Meanwhile, Im studying for my placement exams for graduate school. You see, if I don't pass certain chemistry class tests (6 in all), I have to retake those chemistry classes. Which will make me be in graduate school longer taking things I've already learned. How many people remember the specifics of classes they took years ago? So I'm studying...
On that subject, what colleges COULD I be going to if it weren't for Tim? It's a question I could never ask him, and one that I wonder about often. Don't get me wrong, I love the advisor I've chosen and his program, but what if I could have gone to UC Davis or UC Berkeley (unlikely) or even Yale? Highly unlikely, but with a 3.45 and excellent research experiences and references, how high could I have gotten? I will never know. And how much would I regret this if we didn't last? I don't think I would regret it, because you have to give it your all (or I would wonder about us), but I would certainly be upset to be spending time in Hawaii when I could have been elsewhere, especially if something happened while I was in grad school. I miss seasons, and lower crime rates, and people who aren't mad at you for taking over their country, even though you personally didn't have anything to do with it.
At least I have a car now. A bright red 2008 Jetta that I'm leasing.
I'm so tired of studying. I feel so inefficient for not studying more, but realistically, I'm doing pretty well studying a few hours every day. My break has been pretty nice and I'm just now starting to get bored. Exercising has taken up a large portion of time--note to self--keep exercising because you feel better when you do.
On to another subject...my mom. Why doesn't she understand me better? Really. She lived with me for 18 years, but she still knows so little about me. Maybe it's my fault. Am I too protective of my feelings? There are things I feel that my mom should know about me that she doesn't--like what degree I am working toward at all times, or what kind of movies I like. My mom is a comfort to me, but less so than if I really thought she GOT me.
And with moving around, how am I supposed to make lasting friendships with people I could actually see once in a while? There just don't seem to be people who are similar to me here in Hawaii. Or anywhere? I mean, I've been married for like ever, have career goals as a woman, and no children or plans for children. How many childless married women are out there? It seems like very few from where I'm sitting. Tim's colleagues' wives either have kids or have no career goals (more commonly both) and my school friends are hardly ever married. Am I so strange to have both career goals and a husband? It's really sad to think so in this day and age, but when will I start meeting people with lots of things in common with me? I can't go looking for people with common interests because my schedule is usually so packed. The women in my new exercise class are really unfriendly on the whole. And if I joined a scrapbook club I know I would just meet a bunch of housewives scrapbooking their kids and I'm so not into being around kids or houewives! Sorry to be a bitch, but it's true! I know what you're thinking, don't stereotype, but the only women I've met in scrapbooking situations have kids.
You know what I think about sometimes? When we were in Jr High, Cindel had her distinctive black zip-up hoodie, and I totally copied it. Shout out to Cindel, I'm sure it's almost forgotten on your end, but sorry! Why does that pop into my head? Maybe now that it's off my chest I will stop thinking about it and feeling bad! Ha ha, laughing at myself and my silliness!
Meanwhile, Im studying for my placement exams for graduate school. You see, if I don't pass certain chemistry class tests (6 in all), I have to retake those chemistry classes. Which will make me be in graduate school longer taking things I've already learned. How many people remember the specifics of classes they took years ago? So I'm studying...
On that subject, what colleges COULD I be going to if it weren't for Tim? It's a question I could never ask him, and one that I wonder about often. Don't get me wrong, I love the advisor I've chosen and his program, but what if I could have gone to UC Davis or UC Berkeley (unlikely) or even Yale? Highly unlikely, but with a 3.45 and excellent research experiences and references, how high could I have gotten? I will never know. And how much would I regret this if we didn't last? I don't think I would regret it, because you have to give it your all (or I would wonder about us), but I would certainly be upset to be spending time in Hawaii when I could have been elsewhere, especially if something happened while I was in grad school. I miss seasons, and lower crime rates, and people who aren't mad at you for taking over their country, even though you personally didn't have anything to do with it.
At least I have a car now. A bright red 2008 Jetta that I'm leasing.
I'm so tired of studying. I feel so inefficient for not studying more, but realistically, I'm doing pretty well studying a few hours every day. My break has been pretty nice and I'm just now starting to get bored. Exercising has taken up a large portion of time--note to self--keep exercising because you feel better when you do.
On to another subject...my mom. Why doesn't she understand me better? Really. She lived with me for 18 years, but she still knows so little about me. Maybe it's my fault. Am I too protective of my feelings? There are things I feel that my mom should know about me that she doesn't--like what degree I am working toward at all times, or what kind of movies I like. My mom is a comfort to me, but less so than if I really thought she GOT me.
And with moving around, how am I supposed to make lasting friendships with people I could actually see once in a while? There just don't seem to be people who are similar to me here in Hawaii. Or anywhere? I mean, I've been married for like ever, have career goals as a woman, and no children or plans for children. How many childless married women are out there? It seems like very few from where I'm sitting. Tim's colleagues' wives either have kids or have no career goals (more commonly both) and my school friends are hardly ever married. Am I so strange to have both career goals and a husband? It's really sad to think so in this day and age, but when will I start meeting people with lots of things in common with me? I can't go looking for people with common interests because my schedule is usually so packed. The women in my new exercise class are really unfriendly on the whole. And if I joined a scrapbook club I know I would just meet a bunch of housewives scrapbooking their kids and I'm so not into being around kids or houewives! Sorry to be a bitch, but it's true! I know what you're thinking, don't stereotype, but the only women I've met in scrapbooking situations have kids.
You know what I think about sometimes? When we were in Jr High, Cindel had her distinctive black zip-up hoodie, and I totally copied it. Shout out to Cindel, I'm sure it's almost forgotten on your end, but sorry! Why does that pop into my head? Maybe now that it's off my chest I will stop thinking about it and feeling bad! Ha ha, laughing at myself and my silliness!
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