Trust Issues and Lingering Questions

How important is trust? They say that trust is the most important part of a relationship, but how many of us actually trust the people we're with? I feel so sad sometimes. Sometimes I think that the person who gets me most, my husband, is the least trustworthy person I know. And we get along nearly perfectly. But all of his female friends... I knew trust issues were bound to happen before we married, I mean, come on, I'm not stupid. I just hate how perfect we are other than the trust issues. It's so ridiculous.

Meanwhile, Im studying for my placement exams for graduate school. You see, if I don't pass certain chemistry class tests (6 in all), I have to retake those chemistry classes. Which will make me be in graduate school longer taking things I've already learned. How many people remember the specifics of classes they took years ago? So I'm studying...

On that subject, what colleges COULD I be going to if it weren't for Tim? It's a question I could never ask him, and one that I wonder about often. Don't get me wrong, I love the advisor I've chosen and his program, but what if I could have gone to UC Davis or UC Berkeley (unlikely) or even Yale? Highly unlikely, but with a 3.45 and excellent research experiences and references, how high could I have gotten? I will never know. And how much would I regret this if we didn't last? I don't think I would regret it, because you have to give it your all (or I would wonder about us), but I would certainly be upset to be spending time in Hawaii when I could have been elsewhere, especially if something happened while I was in grad school. I miss seasons, and lower crime rates, and people who aren't mad at you for taking over their country, even though you personally didn't have anything to do with it.

At least I have a car now. A bright red 2008 Jetta that I'm leasing.

I'm so tired of studying. I feel so inefficient for not studying more, but realistically, I'm doing pretty well studying a few hours every day. My break has been pretty nice and I'm just now starting to get bored. Exercising has taken up a large portion of time--note to self--keep exercising because you feel better when you do.

On to another subject...my mom. Why doesn't she understand me better? Really. She lived with me for 18 years, but she still knows so little about me. Maybe it's my fault. Am I too protective of my feelings? There are things I feel that my mom should know about me that she doesn't--like what degree I am working toward at all times, or what kind of movies I like. My mom is a comfort to me, but less so than if I really thought she GOT me.

And with moving around, how am I supposed to make lasting friendships with people I could actually see once in a while? There just don't seem to be people who are similar to me here in Hawaii. Or anywhere? I mean, I've been married for like ever, have career goals as a woman, and no children or plans for children. How many childless married women are out there? It seems like very few from where I'm sitting. Tim's colleagues' wives either have kids or have no career goals (more commonly both) and my school friends are hardly ever married. Am I so strange to have both career goals and a husband? It's really sad to think so in this day and age, but when will I start meeting people with lots of things in common with me? I can't go looking for people with common interests because my schedule is usually so packed. The women in my new exercise class are really unfriendly on the whole. And if I joined a scrapbook club I know I would just meet a bunch of housewives scrapbooking their kids and I'm so not into being around kids or houewives! Sorry to be a bitch, but it's true! I know what you're thinking, don't stereotype, but the only women I've met in scrapbooking situations have kids.

You know what I think about sometimes? When we were in Jr High, Cindel had her distinctive black zip-up hoodie, and I totally copied it. Shout out to Cindel, I'm sure it's almost forgotten on your end, but sorry! Why does that pop into my head? Maybe now that it's off my chest I will stop thinking about it and feeling bad! Ha ha, laughing at myself and my silliness!