Some Self-Reflection

Today I read my old friend Shannon's blog. She is so upbeat, it got me thinking about what a pessimistic shit I can be sometimes. I mean, a dishwasher? Who cares? I have a nice roof over my head, a degree in a field I love under my belt, some money in savings, and good friends. And I can't wait to adopt a cat. I wouldn't want to blame anyone else for my pessimism/lack of gratitude, but I have read some things lately that make me think about my own tendencies. For instance, I read an article about people with significant others who were either more or less laidback than themselves. The people who had relationships with people who were more laidback had positive health benefits as measured by a scientific team, and those who had more high-strung, pessimistic partners suffered physically (and mentally) because of it. Anyone who's ever met me and Tim probably knows how stressful he is, and I can see ways that he's affected me. I feel like I need to relearn good habits that I used to have more of. Take the coffee shop, for instance: I love going to the coffeeshop for a latte once in a while, but if they get my order wrong, I feel pretty disappointed about it. Or if someone backs into me without looking, I get pretty upset. I'm not a very outspoken person, so I don't get confrontational about it, but it really bothers me. Now, is this such a great offense, or does the fact that Tim very often does get in someone's face about stuff like that affect me and make me react more negatively? So they came into my nationally-established sense of "personal space." Who cares? By the way, Tim unloaded the dishwasher for the first time in at least a month, and felt the need to come personally show me dishes that had apparently not been pre-cleaned before going into the dishwasher. He blamed it on me, and said "See what happens when you don't wash stuff off?" Really? You unload the dishwasher for the first time in a month and feel the need to lecture me about cleaning? When I've been cleaning the apartment since XMas because I have no job and you've been doing absolutely nothing around here? Wow. I just feel like a lucky girl to be getting out of here.

I want a job. And my independence. And a cat. And nice roommates. I can't wait. I will pack tomorrow, and leave on Thursday. Of course I have mixed feelings about it, but I'm so excited to be away from this and in Boston, the city of my dreams. I see a lot of people just entering relationships, and a lot of people condemning divorce. What can I say to that? Sorry that I couldn't fit into your perfect little society, but my husband was cheating on me and lying to me, and making me feel guilty on a daily basis, and not treating me well on top of it, and I couldn't get the job I so badly wanted because there isn't any industry for it where my husband was stationed, and to be with him, I have to accept wherever the Air Force places us while coming up with my own means of support because he doesn't believe in joint checking. Yeah, that about wraps it up. Could we work on it? Umm, yeah, at the expense of my personal happiness, I could most certainly stay here and accept the things I can't change, like his career, and try to change the things that can be changed (like his personality or attitude towards women???), but I don't want to. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I've been called a lot worse by my husband in these last few weeks.

It's been a little uncomfortable for me to talk to the friends in my life who have great new relationships. I am so happy for them, but it's hard to relate about some things because I don't want to come off as bitter or anti-relationship, and I think they're sensitive and don't want to upset me. It's alright, you guys. Relationships are wonderful and if you've been lucky enough to find someone to share your life with, I am so happy for you. I did things very early, and hopefully my experience doesn't have to be your experience because you waited until later in your life when you were more confident, and mature, and the person you're getting into this with is wonderful and loves you for you, not for the promise of sex __ times a week or because they can walk all over you, or because they've been so busy defining you that they're in love with their own creation as opposed to the real you. It seems this way in the movies and sitcoms too, where people don't really love the person they're with for themselves, but rather are with them because they saw no other option: the men, because they would lse their woman if they didn't get married, and the women: because they thought their man would change or didn't really even see them for themself to begin with. Look at Bride Wars, Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens...the list goes on and on. How many of these fictional characters really seemed happy in their relationship for the right reasons? It's somewhat of a moot point, until you consider that we are brought up watching these kinds of sitcoms and therefore take it as the norm. It's not good. I wonder if part of society's problem is looking up to these shows for a sense of normalcy. life imitating art instead of vice-versa. Now I know what I want: I want to be my own person, love a cat and my parents and my friends with all my heart, and maybe eventually find someone who I love for them, and have them do the same for me. I'm excited for the spark of attraction, the eye contact across the room from an attractive stranger, the first excited touches as you maybe put your hand on their arm, the anticipation of a kiss, the welcome recognition when you see them again...etc. Not right away, of course...I need to make a life for myself first, but someday maybe.

So far I've talked to 2 science temp companies in Boston, and both said they were always looking for people at my level, so I'm optimistic about job prospects. I do hope I land a job before the new graduated arrive,because in Boston, there are a LOT of new chemistry grads each year. The company I interned with is recruiting for temp positions in my department, but they want them right away. Actually, this has taken me out of the running for 3 jobs I've applied for so far. Hopefully when I get there it will get easier to find a job. Cindel invited me to a pub crawl and I hope to see Kelly and Shannon in Cali as well, and Wenwen in Seattle. It will be so nice to see friends and family, but I feel like I've been on an enforced vacation for the past 3 months, so it's hardly a needed vacation, maybe just a needed vacation from Tim. What I'm really looking forward to is making a new home for myself and finding a nice job.

I read that left-handed people tend to worry more, be more shy, and have increased levels of cortisol. It's interesting, isn't it? I've overcome a lot of my shyness, but I don't think I'll ever be rid of the natural stress I feel. Just one more self-reflective thought for today. Whenever I tell my mom about a small problem, she freaks out. The latest one was the fact that my bank alerted me that information about my account was compromised and they will be sending me a new bankcard (the ONLY plastic in my wallet) and I have no input on the matter. The problem is that it will arrive well after I've left here, so I will have to rely on cash and checks during my whole move. My mom said her usual huge exclamation "Oh MY GOD!! What are you going to do??!!!" Oh boy. This is why I didn't tell her about any of my problems for the first 5 years away from home, and I wonder if it is a source of my own pessimism. Can you really be subject to that for your adolescence and not be affected?

Dishwasher (RRRRR!!)

That's me growling at our dishwasher in the title of this post. Call me crazy, but I don't think dishwashers are an aesthetical necessity in a kitchen, so when I see one, I assume that it's there to be used and that it works!! Every time I use the dishwasher, I have to make sure that there isn't so much as a wayward crumb on each item, or it's not getting clean. I now treat the dishwasher as a soap rinse for the dishes, and the last 3 apartments I've lived in now (since I lived with my parents who had a WORKING dishwasher) had dishwashers that were apparently there only for looks! I'm so sick of it! I would rather have a dishrack and no dishwasher than a nonworking dishwasher!!! Arghh!!!! I nearly cried over it last night. Over a dishwasher. Granted, there are other things going on to upset me, but I AM SO SICK OF LIVING HERE, with the ambulances and shit that doesn't work!!! I had nearly forgotten what it was like to have a working dishwasher, so when Wenwen (aka Vivian in some circles) visited me and tried to be nice and do dishes, and she didn't rinse off every last crumb, at first I found it a little strange. Then I remembered. It's not Wenwen who is strange, it's OUR NON-WORKING DISHWASHER!!!!! GRRRR!

Now I've vented and am over it. One more week. Oh, I've shipped my car, which should be arriving the week of March 16th, shipped what I want to keep, clothes aside, bought a huge new suitcase, and booked my plane ticket for the 12th. Yay! I hope all of my clothes fit in my suitcases, because I don't want to get rid of anything else. I've given away and thrown away so much already, and I don't want to part with anything else. Every day I eliminate one more object from the mass of things I plan to take with me on the plane. Moving is no good. Right now I'm reading the driest book about the biotech industry. I'm sort of treating it like homework for the interviews I'll go on and to gain some more knowledge of the business I'll be working in, but man is it boring. I have a habit of going to bookstores and buying like 3 books at a time because I can't decide on just one, and now I'm trying to read all of the books I have bought but not read. I need to get a library card instead of buying books when I get to Boston. That would be a lot more sensical. And I want to volunteer at an animal shelter on the weekends, and of course buy a cat. I am a little stumped on what I'll buy for groceries besides fruit and soup. I'm very used to cooking for two. I really don't even know how to cook for one. Maybe I'll just buy frozen meals for dinner? I bought my own car insurance yesterday, and shipped some music books and random school stuff/old letters from friends out today. I only have a couple more things left to do before moving, like getting directions everywhere I need to go once I'm on the mainland (ahhh, the mainland, where they don't talk like fools) and getting my mail forwarded.

Exasperated

I'm tired of being here in Hawaii with Tim. Last night he once again made me feel guilty for not having sex with him, when I'm on my period. Good grief. I'm so sick of this. Just a tiny amount over one week and I will be on my way to alifornia and away from here forever, and that feels good. I feel like after all of the continuous upsets that Tim and I have had this week, I really should have taken Danielle up on her offer to stay with her. I keep thinking, maybe if Tim didn't constantly have sex on his mind, I would miss it, and want it eventually, and then I think of a part of the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights, where a man tries to gain power in his relationship by not having sex, and it totally backfires because the wife really doesn't want sex and she's as happy as can be when he stops asking. That's how I feel. I just don't want it with him anymore. That's sad really, and I wonder whether it's just that the flame I used to feel for him has died, or if all of the things I know and think about him made the flame die. I guess I've felt this way for at least a year, probably two, and that is around the time I found the emails from Tim to Brynn saying that he loved her, wanted to fly her out here, and wanted to take care of her when she was sick. So is it his fault, is it my fault, or does the passion just slowly seep out of a relationship until all that is left is comfortableness?

My period was ten days late this month. I seriously thought I was going to have to go down to Planned Parenthood and get the abortion pill, which does not sound like fun and would cost around 500 dollars. That isn't really an expense that I had planned on, and there is no way I am tying myself to this man with a child. I asked myself if there was any way I would keep it and raise it by myself, maybe not even tell him about it, but I don't think there is. I just don't want that. I have never been so glad in my life to get my period.

I really can't wait to get out of here. To be away from the sirens, the traffic, the leaky faucet, falling down cabinet, and warm weather. I feel sad that I'm only going to have a little bit of the cold weather left when I get to Boston, but at least it will be a nice break before the Boston summer begins. Tim mentioned coming out to Boston to visit me. I don't want him to. I think I would file the divorce papers about a month or less after getting there if I could, but you have to be a resident for either 3 or 6 months before doing that, and I don't want to have to deal with it here in Hawaii. I never really want to see Tim again. He has taken enough of my life, and I'll be damned if I become one of the women Tim talks to that thwarts his attempts at a relationship with someone, and I'll be damned if I ever go back to him. It would be easiest to never see him again and to talk with him very seldom, only to clear up details like if I've left anything behind or if my mail came here and he had to send it to me. I feel bad for him to be cutting him out of my life, but I don't want him in it anymore. I'm so tired of him, and so tired of us.