Exasperated

I'm tired of being here in Hawaii with Tim. Last night he once again made me feel guilty for not having sex with him, when I'm on my period. Good grief. I'm so sick of this. Just a tiny amount over one week and I will be on my way to alifornia and away from here forever, and that feels good. I feel like after all of the continuous upsets that Tim and I have had this week, I really should have taken Danielle up on her offer to stay with her. I keep thinking, maybe if Tim didn't constantly have sex on his mind, I would miss it, and want it eventually, and then I think of a part of the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights, where a man tries to gain power in his relationship by not having sex, and it totally backfires because the wife really doesn't want sex and she's as happy as can be when he stops asking. That's how I feel. I just don't want it with him anymore. That's sad really, and I wonder whether it's just that the flame I used to feel for him has died, or if all of the things I know and think about him made the flame die. I guess I've felt this way for at least a year, probably two, and that is around the time I found the emails from Tim to Brynn saying that he loved her, wanted to fly her out here, and wanted to take care of her when she was sick. So is it his fault, is it my fault, or does the passion just slowly seep out of a relationship until all that is left is comfortableness?

My period was ten days late this month. I seriously thought I was going to have to go down to Planned Parenthood and get the abortion pill, which does not sound like fun and would cost around 500 dollars. That isn't really an expense that I had planned on, and there is no way I am tying myself to this man with a child. I asked myself if there was any way I would keep it and raise it by myself, maybe not even tell him about it, but I don't think there is. I just don't want that. I have never been so glad in my life to get my period.

I really can't wait to get out of here. To be away from the sirens, the traffic, the leaky faucet, falling down cabinet, and warm weather. I feel sad that I'm only going to have a little bit of the cold weather left when I get to Boston, but at least it will be a nice break before the Boston summer begins. Tim mentioned coming out to Boston to visit me. I don't want him to. I think I would file the divorce papers about a month or less after getting there if I could, but you have to be a resident for either 3 or 6 months before doing that, and I don't want to have to deal with it here in Hawaii. I never really want to see Tim again. He has taken enough of my life, and I'll be damned if I become one of the women Tim talks to that thwarts his attempts at a relationship with someone, and I'll be damned if I ever go back to him. It would be easiest to never see him again and to talk with him very seldom, only to clear up details like if I've left anything behind or if my mail came here and he had to send it to me. I feel bad for him to be cutting him out of my life, but I don't want him in it anymore. I'm so tired of him, and so tired of us.