Gideon and Tim

I have a secret that I want to share today. I could not stop thinking about Gideon last night. I was thinking about a letter that I would write to him. I would tell him what an amazing, smart, funny, attractive, wonderful teacher, and caring guy I think he is. Because he truly is. But the thing is, I think he has low self-esteem. He is self-deprecating, which makes him all the more endearing, but I can't fathom how someone like that would not know how incredible he really is. Maybe I am wrong, and it's just part of his sense of humor...but I think he feels some truth in the remarks. Maybe I should tell you a little about Gideon. He has rugged good looks, has his PhD in chemistry, and is the most humble, welcoming guy that you would ever want to meet. So that's it. When I move to Boston and perhaps reenter the dating 'scene', I will take comfort in knowing that there was an amazing man out there in his thirties, still looking for his person. I thought men like him only came in Jane Austen novels. I hope if he ever reads this, he is not terribly embarassed by the things I have said. Whatever woman finds herself in his path would be crazy not to turn her life upside down in the hopes of being with him. I hope with all of my heart that Gideon finds a person who deserves him, and I hope his professional life rises to meet his capabilities. **I should be very clear that my adoration for this guy had absolutely nothing to do with my current situation. It is just good to know that there is a guy out there as good as Gideon.**

On another note, I told Tim last night. At first he was angry, and said I had been looking for a way out for a long time, that if it hadn't been this, it would have been something else that I left him for. Well, maybe that's true, because it seems no matter how many chances I give him, he always manages to fuck things up. After the anger wore off, he asked me to stay, and when I refused, asked for a week to process this and decide what he wants to do about the car that is in both of our names, the Jetta. The lease on it is up in about 2 years. I guess I figured I would take the car that I am driving and he would take the one that he is driving, but it is understandable for him to need to think about this. If he wants to keep it, I guess I will fly straight to Boston. I am bummed that if it goes this way, I won't get to see some of the friends that I was planning on seeing in California and Seattle, and my parents in Montana. I was sort of looking forward to the drive to clear my head and be alone with my thoughts.

I feel sorry for Tim at times like these. Sometimes I think he is a conniving selfish wretch of a person to keep breaking my trust and making promises that he almost immediately breaks...and sometimes I feel sorry for him because I think he is either so lost or so confused that he just can't help but sabotage himself. He said the only reason he talked to her was because he wanted to properly say goodbye. Why couldn't he have told me this, instead of going behind my back again? He offered to stop talking to her forever...I didn't twist his arm to offer that, but he did, and I made it perfectly clear that I accepted that offer, because in previous times he has claimed that he didn't think I actually wanted him to do something he said he was going to do...men... Last night he put on a show of emailing her "one last time" telling her that he can never talk to her again and that he has destroyed the thing dearest to him. You know what? Too little, too late. He should have either talked to me instead of going behind my back, or made good on his original promise not to talk to her. He claimed to have said goodbye over two months ago. I'm done, but I do feel a little bad for him because he pulls this little puppy act like he honestly didn't know what he was doing to us.

I think all of this would be whole lot easier if I saw things in black and white. He has had too many chances, and he's an asshole in a lot more ways than one. When it comes down to it though, we still have some good times together. It's just a lot more bad than good at this point, and he keeps proving that he will never change. Some of the good things include having someone grateful to cook for, someone to share your life with, Sunday drives to the North Shore holding hands in the car, and movie nights when he isn't demanding that his feet are rubbed and we've managed to pick a movie we both enjoy. The bad: demanding attention (a LOT more than he gives me), his not even pretending that he's vaguely interested in some of the things I do when I do the same for him, the lying, the cheating, his high-strung nature (being annoyed when someone taps their foot or something), his being mean to strangers, like waitresses or other people in general, his being mean to ME on occaision, and his bigotry and selfishness. Still, marriage is a huge commitment and not one I took lightly, so I feel like I have to be absolutely sure that I'm doing the right thing here. I think I am.