Sick

Well, yet again, I am convinced I should leave. I feel sick. Like I have a cold and I can feel the blood flowing through my veins because my body knows that I am not well. I found an innocent-enough email from Tim to this friend he said he would NEVER talk to again, and it's over. I don't care if there aren't implications of cheating, it's enough that he's breaking my trust yet again.

I just hate him right now. You know, a couple of munths ago we were at his family's for Christmas and he started teasing me about something I told him never to mention and I blurted out, "I HATE you!" I felt bad, but what shocked me was that I really did hate him, that it didn't feel like a lie when I said it. I do. I hate him for taking this 14-year-old girl and lying to her and making her love him when he wasn't available to be loved, and for making so many promises that he never kept. He said he would get a divorce and wait for me, he said I wouldn't be alone for New Year's, and then he cheated on not one, but TWO people. How do you do that? He is such an ugly person that I never want anything to do with him again. I hate him so much.

He then went onto tell Brynn that he loved her, that he wanted to fly her out here, that he wished he could take care of her when she was sick. All this while promising his devotion to me. THEN, he made reservations for two, him and Amanda at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. And rented a nice hotel for the night. I want to die, but that would be too easy. I have to make it and start enjoying my life. It will be nice to put all this behind me. And how fitting, it has been a decade since we first got so serious. I will call it the learning decade.