Feeling Strange

A couple of months ago I almost left. I came about this close [] to booking my car to be shipped. But I let Tim convince me that things would change. A friend said she was proud of me for making this decision, and I am too. That feels good. It's strange to be packing everything up. I don't have much to do during the days now. All I really have to do, besides tell Tim, is box some things up and book my flight. I'm so anxious. I wish the process of shipping a car was a shorter one. I would be on the road right now if I didn't have to ship my car. In fact, I might already be in Boston.

The decision to move to Boston was a little tough. It is the pharmaceutical capital in the world, so it makes sense for me to go there. Plus, I always thought Sacramento would feel like home, but now that my parents have left, it doesn't. However, I do have some friends there that I would like to see again (Cindel, Kelly, Shannon). That would be nice. Everyone's doing pretty well, especially Shannon and Cindel. Kelly's life is changing just like mine. I sort of wonder if I'll ever have friends like those, the type that you want to look up even when you haven't seen them in a long time. I doubt it, but now that I have a chance to go somewhere and stay there, the chance of long-lasting friendships is good. That's nice.

This all just feels strange. I am ending a chapter of my life. In three months I have quit grad school and am about to end my marriage, or at least be legally separated. How will he take it? A big part of me doesn't care. I don't care about him anymore. Maybe that's harsh, but it's true. I stopped liking him for a lot of his bad qualities a long time ago. Months? Years? I don't know exactly. But I didn't stop loving him until about five months ago, or maybe even a few days ago. Maybe a small part of me will always love him, but I don't think so. I don't think I'll be all that curious where he is or who is in his life. There will always be some girl who he sweeps off her feet and who wants to be taken care of. A few years later she will probably realize that he will do nothing of the sort, that he will break her trust and begrudge her rent if she doesn't chip in for it. He is insecure and selfish. That is what it boils down to. But it's okay. There are things about me that resulted from my being with him, and if this hadn't happened, I would have wondered if he was my someone. The love of my life. Maybe he is. He's not worth it anymore, and I'm sure of that, even if he was the love of my life. I'm good with that.

I get to catch the tail end of the cold! I am excited about that. I miss the seasons, and I think somehow, that I was meant to live somewhere that it gets cold. Maybe it's something in my blood, from having ancestors who survived in the cold, but there is definitely something in me that loves the cold, the white winters. Yes, i know it turns to slush and gets hard to drive in, but I love it. Maybe I'll even die in a car crash because of it. I told you I was feeling strange. I didn't mention to you that I was in a car crash a couple of days before Christmas in Michigan. Tim was driving. We slid and crashed into a car that was horizontal in the road, and then someone hit us from behind. The seat I was in got so distorted and bent. Amazing to think I was in that seat. I just sustained deep bruising that went away in a month. That was a painful month. But now I can look back at it and think, Gosh, I'm glad it doesn't hurt to twist or lie down anymore.

Three fighter jets seem to be putting on a show outside my balcony. I feel like those jets, free, and potentially dead because of my own choices. I guess that's what free is.