Is pretty amazing. I have a good-paying job, some new friends here in Boston, and a great boyfriend. Much of my time is spent analyzing what I want out of my personal life. There are the things that are easy for me to pinpoint, like wanting to have friends surrounding me. I've moved so much and left so many friends behind along the way that I know the importance of having them. I want the kinds of friends that you hang out with after a long day and just watch tv or talk or play karaoke.
It was a little scary coming out here, with little more than a bit of savings and a couple of suitcases with clothes in them. It was also fantastically liberating. I can do anything. After I was hired at this pharmaceutical company, I joined a gym. Before I joined I had lost about 30 pounds from just dieting since leaving Hawaii. Since I joined the gym I've been doing the elliptical or running on the treadmill and I've lost another 15 pounds. I've lost about 25% of my body weight since moving here. It's pretty amazing. My weight plateaued and I asked for advice from my roommies (amazing people) and they said to lift some weights or otherwise challenge my body. I broke through the plateau and lost another 5 pounds with some strength training. I can run 4 miles at a 9-minute mile pace now. I love to see the improvement in myself as time goes on. I think I'm probaby in the best shape of my life. My waist is actually starting to look small (you know, in the right pose, from a distance). I'm not really sure what my final weight "goal" is, but my body looks and feels better than it has in ages, maybe ever. Running makes me feel good about myself.
On the personal side, my boyfriend is amazing. He's 6'3", blonde, blue-eyed, slim (but not skinny) build, and gorgeous. He tells me he can't believe I'm his. I feel the same way about him. Sometimes he's insensitive, and he doesn't always do the right thing, or know what to do, but he's still incredible. Last night he told me that I'm "gorgeous, can cook like a gourmet chef, and make love like an experienced prostitute." I've decided to take that as a compliment. I love him. We also agreed to be open, which makes me so happy. For 7 years I was in a relationship that was only monogamous on my side, so to have some freedom right now is really great. I think I have the best of both worlds: an amazing boyfriend who I'm in love with and the ability to date other people. Structure is very important to me, so we (I) actually set aside Wednesdays and Fridays to see other people or just be by ourselves. I'm going to see District 9 with Rick on Friday. I was starting to feel a little smothered by Jonathan (my boyfriend) after he got back from vacation, but I absolutely love when he spends the night. My life is in an amazing place, and I just hope I can keep it here for a while.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Learning to Date
I'm sure there is a gaping hole between when I left Hawaii and now, so I will quickly fill the gap. I found a place with two nice roommates, painted my room a light grey-blue and filled the room with white and blue things. It's a lovely room in a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood. And yes, sometimes I make myself want to puke. Ha ha. I feel fully over my ex, and haven't talked with him in months except to ask how the proceedings are coming. I feel liberated and happy most of the time.
I found a job with a catering company that has you serving at banquets and other events all around town, but the work is very last-minute, so I also took a job waitressing at a BBQ joint in Davis Square. One of my acquaintances called it a landmark. So I work at a landmark, and there tend to be a lot of men who frequent the place, it being BBQ and all. I think of it as a perk. I also work with a few very cute men, one of whom is a complete flamer. He is a very hot flamer.
I signed up on a dating site, OKCupid.com after hearing about it from "Vivian", and have been out on some very bad dates and some good ones. The first person I went out on quite a few dates with was Daniel. He was very handsome, fairly smart about some things, not at all motivated, and a complete hot mess. Apparently he has Asperger's syndrome, which basically causes social problems like not knowing how to interact properly at times. I swear, this wasn't very apparent until 2-3 dates in, and even then it didn't seem that bad. Until one day we were having sex and he practically yelled "I need water!!!" Oh my God. Okay. Here's a glass of water... He was also incredibly clingy and needy. Hot mess. Stopped seeing him.
In between then and now, I went out with quite a few people who were decent guys, but either a) looked a lot worse than their online photo b) had social issues or c) I felt little to no spark with. I wouldn't change any of it. If this were easy, we wouldn't appreciate the good when it happened. It's also really interesting to see the kinds of people that are out there.
About a month ago I met Jonathan. After our first date I didn't know if I wanted to go out with him again. He was pretty socially awkward and the volume of his voice seemed loud and he didn't offer to buy my taco (Mexican place, of course, like a local Taco Bell). I didn't need him to buy my taco, but it would have been a nice gesture. Anyhow, after getting to know him a little more I got infatuated. He has amazing taste in books and movies and music. He's a computer programmer, and he's SO smart. He's very open and is always honest, even if it's not what I want to hear. He's pretty awesome. I went and got even more infatuated, to the point where I was contermplating the difference between infatuation and love. This is a standing question. What is the difference between love and infatuation? I care about him. I'm infatuated with him. That doesn't equal love though...what is the key ingredient in love?? I love being around him, and I love being with him. But that's not loving him. This is hard for me. I told him a week or two ago that I wasn't interested in a committed relationship, and he thought about it, and adjusted his expectations accordingly. And then I got infatuated. Stupid girl. Sometimes I can't stand the fact that I'm a stereotype. I am a woman who doesn't know what she wants.
I want to date and see what's out there, but I also want to have someone to be there for me and for me to be there for them. I want to have someone available at the end of the day to share time with, share important details of the day with if there are any, and cuddle and watch movies with. I certainly don't miss my ex, but I love physical intimacy (cuddling and kissing and other things) and I would love to have someone there for that. I thought for a while I wanted a friends with benefits situation, but now I'm not so sure. Jonathan's amazing in a lot of ways. No, he's not perfect. Of course not, and I can see that. It feels amazing to be in his arms though, and I love the time we spend together.
Anyhow, last night I told him that I didn't want to hurt him and he said he didn't want to hurt me. I asked how he thought he might hurt me, and he said he didn't feel as crazy about me as I seemed to feel about him. Ouch. We talked about it a little more, and he said that it takes him some time to feel strongly about people (or at least it did in the past). He said he was in love with being in love at the beginning of his relationship with his ex, and that resonated strongly with me. I'm in love with being in love. Realistically, I've gone out on dates with about 10 people since I've moved here, and Jonathan happens to be the best of that group. I could definitely fall for him, but it feels horrible to learn that he's not that crazy about me. He told me that his "type" is usually thin blondes or Asians. And I think sometimes the fact that my memory isn't stellar sometimes bothers him. I also like to drink and he really doesn't drink. It certainly isn't a perfect fit between us, and I can see that. I guess I just thought that those kinds of difference didn't matter at the end of the day, as long as they were just minor in both of our minds. I don't know how important those things are to him. I guess my only issues with him are that he can be kind of insensitive (saying how hot girls on tv are, etc) and he can be kind of awkward in public (very loud laugh, saying questionable things about people within earshot, voice modulation issues). Also, since he hasn't dated much, I don't feel like he could know what's best for him in a partner, and he might just settle for me because I'm here. Of course I don't want that.
Right now I just feel kind of hurt and confused, because I have gotten used to my affections being 100% returned, and it's not so with Jonathan. I guess I thought when I found someone who I wanted to be with, they would have no reservations about being with me. I guess I can conclude that maybe it's not right between Jonathan and I, and that's okay. This is dating. I have had to reject a lot of guys because I didn't feel that spark, and now perhaps someone else doesn't feel the same spark that I feel with them. Now I know what it's like to be on the other side, and I'm sure that's for the best. Maybe it will work out with Jonathan. Maybe it won't. I definitely have to figure out whether I want to move forward and be exclusive with someone if the right person does come along. I think maybe I have done the dating thing for long enough now to be happy in a relationship again. It is still a little soon though, and I don't want to be with someone just to be with SOMEONE.
Also, what if I get into a relationship, and I meet someone who is better for me, but I can't date them because I'm in the relationship? I don't like that, but it wold be hard to be in an open relationship, for me and for the other person in the relationship. If I cared about someone, it would be hard to think about them sleeping with someone else, at least while I was madly infatuated with them. Wouldn't it?
I found a job with a catering company that has you serving at banquets and other events all around town, but the work is very last-minute, so I also took a job waitressing at a BBQ joint in Davis Square. One of my acquaintances called it a landmark. So I work at a landmark, and there tend to be a lot of men who frequent the place, it being BBQ and all. I think of it as a perk. I also work with a few very cute men, one of whom is a complete flamer. He is a very hot flamer.
I signed up on a dating site, OKCupid.com after hearing about it from "Vivian", and have been out on some very bad dates and some good ones. The first person I went out on quite a few dates with was Daniel. He was very handsome, fairly smart about some things, not at all motivated, and a complete hot mess. Apparently he has Asperger's syndrome, which basically causes social problems like not knowing how to interact properly at times. I swear, this wasn't very apparent until 2-3 dates in, and even then it didn't seem that bad. Until one day we were having sex and he practically yelled "I need water!!!" Oh my God. Okay. Here's a glass of water... He was also incredibly clingy and needy. Hot mess. Stopped seeing him.
In between then and now, I went out with quite a few people who were decent guys, but either a) looked a lot worse than their online photo b) had social issues or c) I felt little to no spark with. I wouldn't change any of it. If this were easy, we wouldn't appreciate the good when it happened. It's also really interesting to see the kinds of people that are out there.
About a month ago I met Jonathan. After our first date I didn't know if I wanted to go out with him again. He was pretty socially awkward and the volume of his voice seemed loud and he didn't offer to buy my taco (Mexican place, of course, like a local Taco Bell). I didn't need him to buy my taco, but it would have been a nice gesture. Anyhow, after getting to know him a little more I got infatuated. He has amazing taste in books and movies and music. He's a computer programmer, and he's SO smart. He's very open and is always honest, even if it's not what I want to hear. He's pretty awesome. I went and got even more infatuated, to the point where I was contermplating the difference between infatuation and love. This is a standing question. What is the difference between love and infatuation? I care about him. I'm infatuated with him. That doesn't equal love though...what is the key ingredient in love?? I love being around him, and I love being with him. But that's not loving him. This is hard for me. I told him a week or two ago that I wasn't interested in a committed relationship, and he thought about it, and adjusted his expectations accordingly. And then I got infatuated. Stupid girl. Sometimes I can't stand the fact that I'm a stereotype. I am a woman who doesn't know what she wants.
I want to date and see what's out there, but I also want to have someone to be there for me and for me to be there for them. I want to have someone available at the end of the day to share time with, share important details of the day with if there are any, and cuddle and watch movies with. I certainly don't miss my ex, but I love physical intimacy (cuddling and kissing and other things) and I would love to have someone there for that. I thought for a while I wanted a friends with benefits situation, but now I'm not so sure. Jonathan's amazing in a lot of ways. No, he's not perfect. Of course not, and I can see that. It feels amazing to be in his arms though, and I love the time we spend together.
Anyhow, last night I told him that I didn't want to hurt him and he said he didn't want to hurt me. I asked how he thought he might hurt me, and he said he didn't feel as crazy about me as I seemed to feel about him. Ouch. We talked about it a little more, and he said that it takes him some time to feel strongly about people (or at least it did in the past). He said he was in love with being in love at the beginning of his relationship with his ex, and that resonated strongly with me. I'm in love with being in love. Realistically, I've gone out on dates with about 10 people since I've moved here, and Jonathan happens to be the best of that group. I could definitely fall for him, but it feels horrible to learn that he's not that crazy about me. He told me that his "type" is usually thin blondes or Asians. And I think sometimes the fact that my memory isn't stellar sometimes bothers him. I also like to drink and he really doesn't drink. It certainly isn't a perfect fit between us, and I can see that. I guess I just thought that those kinds of difference didn't matter at the end of the day, as long as they were just minor in both of our minds. I don't know how important those things are to him. I guess my only issues with him are that he can be kind of insensitive (saying how hot girls on tv are, etc) and he can be kind of awkward in public (very loud laugh, saying questionable things about people within earshot, voice modulation issues). Also, since he hasn't dated much, I don't feel like he could know what's best for him in a partner, and he might just settle for me because I'm here. Of course I don't want that.
Right now I just feel kind of hurt and confused, because I have gotten used to my affections being 100% returned, and it's not so with Jonathan. I guess I thought when I found someone who I wanted to be with, they would have no reservations about being with me. I guess I can conclude that maybe it's not right between Jonathan and I, and that's okay. This is dating. I have had to reject a lot of guys because I didn't feel that spark, and now perhaps someone else doesn't feel the same spark that I feel with them. Now I know what it's like to be on the other side, and I'm sure that's for the best. Maybe it will work out with Jonathan. Maybe it won't. I definitely have to figure out whether I want to move forward and be exclusive with someone if the right person does come along. I think maybe I have done the dating thing for long enough now to be happy in a relationship again. It is still a little soon though, and I don't want to be with someone just to be with SOMEONE.
Also, what if I get into a relationship, and I meet someone who is better for me, but I can't date them because I'm in the relationship? I don't like that, but it wold be hard to be in an open relationship, for me and for the other person in the relationship. If I cared about someone, it would be hard to think about them sleeping with someone else, at least while I was madly infatuated with them. Wouldn't it?
Monday, April 27, 2009
Here in Boston
I have been very happy here in Boston, and the funny thing is, I still don't have a job. I really do need to find a job before the end of next month, but I will. I have applied for several chemistry positions but it seems like companies want 3-5 years of experience, and I just have one. I got turned down for one waitressing position (I'm thinking because of my degree, but who really knows) but I'm sure I can find something if I put my mind to it. I'm going to apply for more waitressing positions this week.
Anyhow, that is not why I'm writing today. I'm writing today because I'm so happy to know that I can be happy on my own. I joined OKCupid.com (yes, embarassing) and I've been going out on dates. It has been really good. I met Daniel, a guy who doesn't quite have his stuff together and may turn out to be a Stage 4 Clinger, and Scott (super-nice) and Raj and I'm seeing someone tomorrow night. It has been a blast. I was so worried about dating, but there's really nothing to be worried about. I've also loved having chats about dating with my friends, one in particular (you know who you are). I feel like I can go out and try new things and meet new people and just explore in general. It is a wonderful feeling. On a related note, I am mailing the divorce paperwork to Tim tomorrow, and then it's just a matter of filing it with the court and some other stuff. I'm so glad we did this amicably. It turns out he's moving in with one of the women he cheated on me with. I just chuckle quietly to myself. Good luck, honey.
I realize now that I put up with way more than I should have, and that's okay, because it was a learning experience and now I'm gaining perspective on how things should be, and now I don't have to deal with it anymore. Dating, good roommates, and great friends have given me a lot of perspective lately. I painted my room light grey, stained a free dresser, and bought a few things for my new room and it looks lovely. It feels like mine. I am incredibly happy with my location and everything about my new digs. It's a really good feeling. I thought it would take longer for me to be happy here, but it hasn't. I'm so happy.
Anyhow, that is not why I'm writing today. I'm writing today because I'm so happy to know that I can be happy on my own. I joined OKCupid.com (yes, embarassing) and I've been going out on dates. It has been really good. I met Daniel, a guy who doesn't quite have his stuff together and may turn out to be a Stage 4 Clinger, and Scott (super-nice) and Raj and I'm seeing someone tomorrow night. It has been a blast. I was so worried about dating, but there's really nothing to be worried about. I've also loved having chats about dating with my friends, one in particular (you know who you are). I feel like I can go out and try new things and meet new people and just explore in general. It is a wonderful feeling. On a related note, I am mailing the divorce paperwork to Tim tomorrow, and then it's just a matter of filing it with the court and some other stuff. I'm so glad we did this amicably. It turns out he's moving in with one of the women he cheated on me with. I just chuckle quietly to myself. Good luck, honey.
I realize now that I put up with way more than I should have, and that's okay, because it was a learning experience and now I'm gaining perspective on how things should be, and now I don't have to deal with it anymore. Dating, good roommates, and great friends have given me a lot of perspective lately. I painted my room light grey, stained a free dresser, and bought a few things for my new room and it looks lovely. It feels like mine. I am incredibly happy with my location and everything about my new digs. It's a really good feeling. I thought it would take longer for me to be happy here, but it hasn't. I'm so happy.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Some Self-Reflection
Today I read my old friend Shannon's blog. She is so upbeat, it got me thinking about what a pessimistic shit I can be sometimes. I mean, a dishwasher? Who cares? I have a nice roof over my head, a degree in a field I love under my belt, some money in savings, and good friends. And I can't wait to adopt a cat. I wouldn't want to blame anyone else for my pessimism/lack of gratitude, but I have read some things lately that make me think about my own tendencies. For instance, I read an article about people with significant others who were either more or less laidback than themselves. The people who had relationships with people who were more laidback had positive health benefits as measured by a scientific team, and those who had more high-strung, pessimistic partners suffered physically (and mentally) because of it. Anyone who's ever met me and Tim probably knows how stressful he is, and I can see ways that he's affected me. I feel like I need to relearn good habits that I used to have more of. Take the coffee shop, for instance: I love going to the coffeeshop for a latte once in a while, but if they get my order wrong, I feel pretty disappointed about it. Or if someone backs into me without looking, I get pretty upset. I'm not a very outspoken person, so I don't get confrontational about it, but it really bothers me. Now, is this such a great offense, or does the fact that Tim very often does get in someone's face about stuff like that affect me and make me react more negatively? So they came into my nationally-established sense of "personal space." Who cares? By the way, Tim unloaded the dishwasher for the first time in at least a month, and felt the need to come personally show me dishes that had apparently not been pre-cleaned before going into the dishwasher. He blamed it on me, and said "See what happens when you don't wash stuff off?" Really? You unload the dishwasher for the first time in a month and feel the need to lecture me about cleaning? When I've been cleaning the apartment since XMas because I have no job and you've been doing absolutely nothing around here? Wow. I just feel like a lucky girl to be getting out of here.
I want a job. And my independence. And a cat. And nice roommates. I can't wait. I will pack tomorrow, and leave on Thursday. Of course I have mixed feelings about it, but I'm so excited to be away from this and in Boston, the city of my dreams. I see a lot of people just entering relationships, and a lot of people condemning divorce. What can I say to that? Sorry that I couldn't fit into your perfect little society, but my husband was cheating on me and lying to me, and making me feel guilty on a daily basis, and not treating me well on top of it, and I couldn't get the job I so badly wanted because there isn't any industry for it where my husband was stationed, and to be with him, I have to accept wherever the Air Force places us while coming up with my own means of support because he doesn't believe in joint checking. Yeah, that about wraps it up. Could we work on it? Umm, yeah, at the expense of my personal happiness, I could most certainly stay here and accept the things I can't change, like his career, and try to change the things that can be changed (like his personality or attitude towards women???), but I don't want to. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I've been called a lot worse by my husband in these last few weeks.
It's been a little uncomfortable for me to talk to the friends in my life who have great new relationships. I am so happy for them, but it's hard to relate about some things because I don't want to come off as bitter or anti-relationship, and I think they're sensitive and don't want to upset me. It's alright, you guys. Relationships are wonderful and if you've been lucky enough to find someone to share your life with, I am so happy for you. I did things very early, and hopefully my experience doesn't have to be your experience because you waited until later in your life when you were more confident, and mature, and the person you're getting into this with is wonderful and loves you for you, not for the promise of sex __ times a week or because they can walk all over you, or because they've been so busy defining you that they're in love with their own creation as opposed to the real you. It seems this way in the movies and sitcoms too, where people don't really love the person they're with for themselves, but rather are with them because they saw no other option: the men, because they would lse their woman if they didn't get married, and the women: because they thought their man would change or didn't really even see them for themself to begin with. Look at Bride Wars, Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens...the list goes on and on. How many of these fictional characters really seemed happy in their relationship for the right reasons? It's somewhat of a moot point, until you consider that we are brought up watching these kinds of sitcoms and therefore take it as the norm. It's not good. I wonder if part of society's problem is looking up to these shows for a sense of normalcy. life imitating art instead of vice-versa. Now I know what I want: I want to be my own person, love a cat and my parents and my friends with all my heart, and maybe eventually find someone who I love for them, and have them do the same for me. I'm excited for the spark of attraction, the eye contact across the room from an attractive stranger, the first excited touches as you maybe put your hand on their arm, the anticipation of a kiss, the welcome recognition when you see them again...etc. Not right away, of course...I need to make a life for myself first, but someday maybe.
So far I've talked to 2 science temp companies in Boston, and both said they were always looking for people at my level, so I'm optimistic about job prospects. I do hope I land a job before the new graduated arrive,because in Boston, there are a LOT of new chemistry grads each year. The company I interned with is recruiting for temp positions in my department, but they want them right away. Actually, this has taken me out of the running for 3 jobs I've applied for so far. Hopefully when I get there it will get easier to find a job. Cindel invited me to a pub crawl and I hope to see Kelly and Shannon in Cali as well, and Wenwen in Seattle. It will be so nice to see friends and family, but I feel like I've been on an enforced vacation for the past 3 months, so it's hardly a needed vacation, maybe just a needed vacation from Tim. What I'm really looking forward to is making a new home for myself and finding a nice job.
I read that left-handed people tend to worry more, be more shy, and have increased levels of cortisol. It's interesting, isn't it? I've overcome a lot of my shyness, but I don't think I'll ever be rid of the natural stress I feel. Just one more self-reflective thought for today. Whenever I tell my mom about a small problem, she freaks out. The latest one was the fact that my bank alerted me that information about my account was compromised and they will be sending me a new bankcard (the ONLY plastic in my wallet) and I have no input on the matter. The problem is that it will arrive well after I've left here, so I will have to rely on cash and checks during my whole move. My mom said her usual huge exclamation "Oh MY GOD!! What are you going to do??!!!" Oh boy. This is why I didn't tell her about any of my problems for the first 5 years away from home, and I wonder if it is a source of my own pessimism. Can you really be subject to that for your adolescence and not be affected?
I want a job. And my independence. And a cat. And nice roommates. I can't wait. I will pack tomorrow, and leave on Thursday. Of course I have mixed feelings about it, but I'm so excited to be away from this and in Boston, the city of my dreams. I see a lot of people just entering relationships, and a lot of people condemning divorce. What can I say to that? Sorry that I couldn't fit into your perfect little society, but my husband was cheating on me and lying to me, and making me feel guilty on a daily basis, and not treating me well on top of it, and I couldn't get the job I so badly wanted because there isn't any industry for it where my husband was stationed, and to be with him, I have to accept wherever the Air Force places us while coming up with my own means of support because he doesn't believe in joint checking. Yeah, that about wraps it up. Could we work on it? Umm, yeah, at the expense of my personal happiness, I could most certainly stay here and accept the things I can't change, like his career, and try to change the things that can be changed (like his personality or attitude towards women???), but I don't want to. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I've been called a lot worse by my husband in these last few weeks.
It's been a little uncomfortable for me to talk to the friends in my life who have great new relationships. I am so happy for them, but it's hard to relate about some things because I don't want to come off as bitter or anti-relationship, and I think they're sensitive and don't want to upset me. It's alright, you guys. Relationships are wonderful and if you've been lucky enough to find someone to share your life with, I am so happy for you. I did things very early, and hopefully my experience doesn't have to be your experience because you waited until later in your life when you were more confident, and mature, and the person you're getting into this with is wonderful and loves you for you, not for the promise of sex __ times a week or because they can walk all over you, or because they've been so busy defining you that they're in love with their own creation as opposed to the real you. It seems this way in the movies and sitcoms too, where people don't really love the person they're with for themselves, but rather are with them because they saw no other option: the men, because they would lse their woman if they didn't get married, and the women: because they thought their man would change or didn't really even see them for themself to begin with. Look at Bride Wars, Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens...the list goes on and on. How many of these fictional characters really seemed happy in their relationship for the right reasons? It's somewhat of a moot point, until you consider that we are brought up watching these kinds of sitcoms and therefore take it as the norm. It's not good. I wonder if part of society's problem is looking up to these shows for a sense of normalcy. life imitating art instead of vice-versa. Now I know what I want: I want to be my own person, love a cat and my parents and my friends with all my heart, and maybe eventually find someone who I love for them, and have them do the same for me. I'm excited for the spark of attraction, the eye contact across the room from an attractive stranger, the first excited touches as you maybe put your hand on their arm, the anticipation of a kiss, the welcome recognition when you see them again...etc. Not right away, of course...I need to make a life for myself first, but someday maybe.
So far I've talked to 2 science temp companies in Boston, and both said they were always looking for people at my level, so I'm optimistic about job prospects. I do hope I land a job before the new graduated arrive,because in Boston, there are a LOT of new chemistry grads each year. The company I interned with is recruiting for temp positions in my department, but they want them right away. Actually, this has taken me out of the running for 3 jobs I've applied for so far. Hopefully when I get there it will get easier to find a job. Cindel invited me to a pub crawl and I hope to see Kelly and Shannon in Cali as well, and Wenwen in Seattle. It will be so nice to see friends and family, but I feel like I've been on an enforced vacation for the past 3 months, so it's hardly a needed vacation, maybe just a needed vacation from Tim. What I'm really looking forward to is making a new home for myself and finding a nice job.
I read that left-handed people tend to worry more, be more shy, and have increased levels of cortisol. It's interesting, isn't it? I've overcome a lot of my shyness, but I don't think I'll ever be rid of the natural stress I feel. Just one more self-reflective thought for today. Whenever I tell my mom about a small problem, she freaks out. The latest one was the fact that my bank alerted me that information about my account was compromised and they will be sending me a new bankcard (the ONLY plastic in my wallet) and I have no input on the matter. The problem is that it will arrive well after I've left here, so I will have to rely on cash and checks during my whole move. My mom said her usual huge exclamation "Oh MY GOD!! What are you going to do??!!!" Oh boy. This is why I didn't tell her about any of my problems for the first 5 years away from home, and I wonder if it is a source of my own pessimism. Can you really be subject to that for your adolescence and not be affected?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Dishwasher (RRRRR!!)
That's me growling at our dishwasher in the title of this post. Call me crazy, but I don't think dishwashers are an aesthetical necessity in a kitchen, so when I see one, I assume that it's there to be used and that it works!! Every time I use the dishwasher, I have to make sure that there isn't so much as a wayward crumb on each item, or it's not getting clean. I now treat the dishwasher as a soap rinse for the dishes, and the last 3 apartments I've lived in now (since I lived with my parents who had a WORKING dishwasher) had dishwashers that were apparently there only for looks! I'm so sick of it! I would rather have a dishrack and no dishwasher than a nonworking dishwasher!!! Arghh!!!! I nearly cried over it last night. Over a dishwasher. Granted, there are other things going on to upset me, but I AM SO SICK OF LIVING HERE, with the ambulances and shit that doesn't work!!! I had nearly forgotten what it was like to have a working dishwasher, so when Wenwen (aka Vivian in some circles) visited me and tried to be nice and do dishes, and she didn't rinse off every last crumb, at first I found it a little strange. Then I remembered. It's not Wenwen who is strange, it's OUR NON-WORKING DISHWASHER!!!!! GRRRR!
Now I've vented and am over it. One more week. Oh, I've shipped my car, which should be arriving the week of March 16th, shipped what I want to keep, clothes aside, bought a huge new suitcase, and booked my plane ticket for the 12th. Yay! I hope all of my clothes fit in my suitcases, because I don't want to get rid of anything else. I've given away and thrown away so much already, and I don't want to part with anything else. Every day I eliminate one more object from the mass of things I plan to take with me on the plane. Moving is no good. Right now I'm reading the driest book about the biotech industry. I'm sort of treating it like homework for the interviews I'll go on and to gain some more knowledge of the business I'll be working in, but man is it boring. I have a habit of going to bookstores and buying like 3 books at a time because I can't decide on just one, and now I'm trying to read all of the books I have bought but not read. I need to get a library card instead of buying books when I get to Boston. That would be a lot more sensical. And I want to volunteer at an animal shelter on the weekends, and of course buy a cat. I am a little stumped on what I'll buy for groceries besides fruit and soup. I'm very used to cooking for two. I really don't even know how to cook for one. Maybe I'll just buy frozen meals for dinner? I bought my own car insurance yesterday, and shipped some music books and random school stuff/old letters from friends out today. I only have a couple more things left to do before moving, like getting directions everywhere I need to go once I'm on the mainland (ahhh, the mainland, where they don't talk like fools) and getting my mail forwarded.
Now I've vented and am over it. One more week. Oh, I've shipped my car, which should be arriving the week of March 16th, shipped what I want to keep, clothes aside, bought a huge new suitcase, and booked my plane ticket for the 12th. Yay! I hope all of my clothes fit in my suitcases, because I don't want to get rid of anything else. I've given away and thrown away so much already, and I don't want to part with anything else. Every day I eliminate one more object from the mass of things I plan to take with me on the plane. Moving is no good. Right now I'm reading the driest book about the biotech industry. I'm sort of treating it like homework for the interviews I'll go on and to gain some more knowledge of the business I'll be working in, but man is it boring. I have a habit of going to bookstores and buying like 3 books at a time because I can't decide on just one, and now I'm trying to read all of the books I have bought but not read. I need to get a library card instead of buying books when I get to Boston. That would be a lot more sensical. And I want to volunteer at an animal shelter on the weekends, and of course buy a cat. I am a little stumped on what I'll buy for groceries besides fruit and soup. I'm very used to cooking for two. I really don't even know how to cook for one. Maybe I'll just buy frozen meals for dinner? I bought my own car insurance yesterday, and shipped some music books and random school stuff/old letters from friends out today. I only have a couple more things left to do before moving, like getting directions everywhere I need to go once I'm on the mainland (ahhh, the mainland, where they don't talk like fools) and getting my mail forwarded.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Exasperated
I'm tired of being here in Hawaii with Tim. Last night he once again made me feel guilty for not having sex with him, when I'm on my period. Good grief. I'm so sick of this. Just a tiny amount over one week and I will be on my way to alifornia and away from here forever, and that feels good. I feel like after all of the continuous upsets that Tim and I have had this week, I really should have taken Danielle up on her offer to stay with her. I keep thinking, maybe if Tim didn't constantly have sex on his mind, I would miss it, and want it eventually, and then I think of a part of the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights, where a man tries to gain power in his relationship by not having sex, and it totally backfires because the wife really doesn't want sex and she's as happy as can be when he stops asking. That's how I feel. I just don't want it with him anymore. That's sad really, and I wonder whether it's just that the flame I used to feel for him has died, or if all of the things I know and think about him made the flame die. I guess I've felt this way for at least a year, probably two, and that is around the time I found the emails from Tim to Brynn saying that he loved her, wanted to fly her out here, and wanted to take care of her when she was sick. So is it his fault, is it my fault, or does the passion just slowly seep out of a relationship until all that is left is comfortableness?
My period was ten days late this month. I seriously thought I was going to have to go down to Planned Parenthood and get the abortion pill, which does not sound like fun and would cost around 500 dollars. That isn't really an expense that I had planned on, and there is no way I am tying myself to this man with a child. I asked myself if there was any way I would keep it and raise it by myself, maybe not even tell him about it, but I don't think there is. I just don't want that. I have never been so glad in my life to get my period.
I really can't wait to get out of here. To be away from the sirens, the traffic, the leaky faucet, falling down cabinet, and warm weather. I feel sad that I'm only going to have a little bit of the cold weather left when I get to Boston, but at least it will be a nice break before the Boston summer begins. Tim mentioned coming out to Boston to visit me. I don't want him to. I think I would file the divorce papers about a month or less after getting there if I could, but you have to be a resident for either 3 or 6 months before doing that, and I don't want to have to deal with it here in Hawaii. I never really want to see Tim again. He has taken enough of my life, and I'll be damned if I become one of the women Tim talks to that thwarts his attempts at a relationship with someone, and I'll be damned if I ever go back to him. It would be easiest to never see him again and to talk with him very seldom, only to clear up details like if I've left anything behind or if my mail came here and he had to send it to me. I feel bad for him to be cutting him out of my life, but I don't want him in it anymore. I'm so tired of him, and so tired of us.
My period was ten days late this month. I seriously thought I was going to have to go down to Planned Parenthood and get the abortion pill, which does not sound like fun and would cost around 500 dollars. That isn't really an expense that I had planned on, and there is no way I am tying myself to this man with a child. I asked myself if there was any way I would keep it and raise it by myself, maybe not even tell him about it, but I don't think there is. I just don't want that. I have never been so glad in my life to get my period.
I really can't wait to get out of here. To be away from the sirens, the traffic, the leaky faucet, falling down cabinet, and warm weather. I feel sad that I'm only going to have a little bit of the cold weather left when I get to Boston, but at least it will be a nice break before the Boston summer begins. Tim mentioned coming out to Boston to visit me. I don't want him to. I think I would file the divorce papers about a month or less after getting there if I could, but you have to be a resident for either 3 or 6 months before doing that, and I don't want to have to deal with it here in Hawaii. I never really want to see Tim again. He has taken enough of my life, and I'll be damned if I become one of the women Tim talks to that thwarts his attempts at a relationship with someone, and I'll be damned if I ever go back to him. It would be easiest to never see him again and to talk with him very seldom, only to clear up details like if I've left anything behind or if my mail came here and he had to send it to me. I feel bad for him to be cutting him out of my life, but I don't want him in it anymore. I'm so tired of him, and so tired of us.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The List
Tim keeps saying that if leaving is hard for me, maybe I shouldn't be going. I know better, but it does seem counterintuitive. He said he wanted me to stay here as long as I would, of course this was after accusing me of "sponging" off him, and saying that I was laying around here getting fatter every day. Cool. I'm putting together a list so that when I look back ad remember the good times, I will also be able to see the bad.
1. He makes me feel guilty if he doesn't get sex every night.
2. He demands attention nearly constantly.
3. He doesn't consider my wants/needs when making big decisions, like where to live.
4. He says really nasty things when mad (see above)
5. He wanted to keep our finances separate all the years I was dead-ass broke, and going to school and working full time.
6. He doesn't brush his tongue when he brushes his teeth, resulting in the most foul smell, a visible coating of plaque on his tongue, and the grossest slimy texture when kissing.
7. I can smell his breath 6 feet away in the morning before he brushes his teeth, which usually takes several hours, and he proceeds to give me open-mouth kisses with said breath.
8. He only makes concessions (like a cat) when he thinks I'm leaving.
9. He freaks out if I want to go out with friends without him.
10. He's condescending.
11. He said because the AF gives half retirement pay to the spouse of a retiree who's been with them at least ten years, he would get out early just to spite said spouse.
12. He's mean to servers and customer service people, and says things loudly in public about people in his immediate surroundings.
13. He cheats (emotionally if not physically), lies, and time after time breaks my trust and then makes ME feel bad because I'm "destroying us."
I shipped the last of my boxes today. I think I've singlehandedly kept the post office in business for the year. I know I've spent more than $200 by now, but I guess that's not that bad. I have to ship my car tomorrow. I'm glad it's going with me, but now I have to worry about insurance and stuff. I hope I get a job quickly. Over the course of throwing things out and shipping things, I've thrown out/given away about 10 full trash bags of stuff. I don't want to part with one more thing. I can't bear it. Moving sucks. I have to decide whether to keep or throw away old letters Tim sent me. I'm leaning toward throwing them away.
1. He makes me feel guilty if he doesn't get sex every night.
2. He demands attention nearly constantly.
3. He doesn't consider my wants/needs when making big decisions, like where to live.
4. He says really nasty things when mad (see above)
5. He wanted to keep our finances separate all the years I was dead-ass broke, and going to school and working full time.
6. He doesn't brush his tongue when he brushes his teeth, resulting in the most foul smell, a visible coating of plaque on his tongue, and the grossest slimy texture when kissing.
7. I can smell his breath 6 feet away in the morning before he brushes his teeth, which usually takes several hours, and he proceeds to give me open-mouth kisses with said breath.
8. He only makes concessions (like a cat) when he thinks I'm leaving.
9. He freaks out if I want to go out with friends without him.
10. He's condescending.
11. He said because the AF gives half retirement pay to the spouse of a retiree who's been with them at least ten years, he would get out early just to spite said spouse.
12. He's mean to servers and customer service people, and says things loudly in public about people in his immediate surroundings.
13. He cheats (emotionally if not physically), lies, and time after time breaks my trust and then makes ME feel bad because I'm "destroying us."
I shipped the last of my boxes today. I think I've singlehandedly kept the post office in business for the year. I know I've spent more than $200 by now, but I guess that's not that bad. I have to ship my car tomorrow. I'm glad it's going with me, but now I have to worry about insurance and stuff. I hope I get a job quickly. Over the course of throwing things out and shipping things, I've thrown out/given away about 10 full trash bags of stuff. I don't want to part with one more thing. I can't bear it. Moving sucks. I have to decide whether to keep or throw away old letters Tim sent me. I'm leaning toward throwing them away.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Oh My
This week has been crazy. After telling Tim that I was leaving last week (almost two weeks ago now), he told me he wanted to spend a memorable Valentine's Day together and booked a trip to Sonoma for the two of us. This, as you can guess, was a horrible idea. I should never have gone, but I have this problem of not putting my foot down. Two days into this vacation, I got a call from a scientific temp agency in Boston telling me the position I applied for was already taken, but they would call me if anything appropriate opened up. This did not go well with Tim. Over the course of the vacation, he smothered me, got mad at me, put his wedding ring in my hand angrily, asked for it back, and told me I was a bad person. Huh.
Two nights later, I asked him to sign a paper releasing the Jetta to be shipped to California, since he said I should have it. In case you're wondering, I made it perfectly clear the whole vacation that I was still leaving. He threatened to kill himself by jumping off our 27-story-high balcony. I called the suicide prevention hotline to see what their advice was, because clearly I don't want Tim to kill himself. They asked for the backstory and after hearing it, said he was "a real womanizer" and that I should leave without any notice. This was not exactly what I expected to hear, but it was probably what I needed to hear. I am taking their advice, and doing what I think is right for me. I feel terrible thinking about Tim coming home to an empty apartment shocked, but he really hasn't given me much of a choice, has he? I tried to be open and honest.
So, until I get on the plane next week (flight is as yet to be scheduled), I sit here and pretend everything is fine. I hate it. He wants me to apply for a bunch of jobs here. He is so needy all the time. He needs constant attention and guilt-tripped me for not having sex with him, when my stomach hurts. Stupid man. I'm dreading his constant begging calls when he realizes that I'm gone, but looking forward to not having him around. Still, I might miss him a little. That's what a new cat is for though. I'm only going to consider apartments that allow cats in my move. I do dread having to tell people that I'm currently separated though, and later down the line, that I'm divorced. Yuck. It wouldn't be very forthcoming not to tell people though, would it? What are the guidelines of how well you have to know someone before telling them? A few days? Weeks? Months? What about people you're dating? Hmm.
I looked on target.com for bedding ideas. I can't wait. I might even do something girly, like a floral print or something in pink or purple. My favorite comforter was white with two very large navy blue flowers on it. It was lovely. I hope I can paint my new room.
Two nights later, I asked him to sign a paper releasing the Jetta to be shipped to California, since he said I should have it. In case you're wondering, I made it perfectly clear the whole vacation that I was still leaving. He threatened to kill himself by jumping off our 27-story-high balcony. I called the suicide prevention hotline to see what their advice was, because clearly I don't want Tim to kill himself. They asked for the backstory and after hearing it, said he was "a real womanizer" and that I should leave without any notice. This was not exactly what I expected to hear, but it was probably what I needed to hear. I am taking their advice, and doing what I think is right for me. I feel terrible thinking about Tim coming home to an empty apartment shocked, but he really hasn't given me much of a choice, has he? I tried to be open and honest.
So, until I get on the plane next week (flight is as yet to be scheduled), I sit here and pretend everything is fine. I hate it. He wants me to apply for a bunch of jobs here. He is so needy all the time. He needs constant attention and guilt-tripped me for not having sex with him, when my stomach hurts. Stupid man. I'm dreading his constant begging calls when he realizes that I'm gone, but looking forward to not having him around. Still, I might miss him a little. That's what a new cat is for though. I'm only going to consider apartments that allow cats in my move. I do dread having to tell people that I'm currently separated though, and later down the line, that I'm divorced. Yuck. It wouldn't be very forthcoming not to tell people though, would it? What are the guidelines of how well you have to know someone before telling them? A few days? Weeks? Months? What about people you're dating? Hmm.
I looked on target.com for bedding ideas. I can't wait. I might even do something girly, like a floral print or something in pink or purple. My favorite comforter was white with two very large navy blue flowers on it. It was lovely. I hope I can paint my new room.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Gideon and Tim
I have a secret that I want to share today. I could not stop thinking about Gideon last night. I was thinking about a letter that I would write to him. I would tell him what an amazing, smart, funny, attractive, wonderful teacher, and caring guy I think he is. Because he truly is. But the thing is, I think he has low self-esteem. He is self-deprecating, which makes him all the more endearing, but I can't fathom how someone like that would not know how incredible he really is. Maybe I am wrong, and it's just part of his sense of humor...but I think he feels some truth in the remarks. Maybe I should tell you a little about Gideon. He has rugged good looks, has his PhD in chemistry, and is the most humble, welcoming guy that you would ever want to meet. So that's it. When I move to Boston and perhaps reenter the dating 'scene', I will take comfort in knowing that there was an amazing man out there in his thirties, still looking for his person. I thought men like him only came in Jane Austen novels. I hope if he ever reads this, he is not terribly embarassed by the things I have said. Whatever woman finds herself in his path would be crazy not to turn her life upside down in the hopes of being with him. I hope with all of my heart that Gideon finds a person who deserves him, and I hope his professional life rises to meet his capabilities. **I should be very clear that my adoration for this guy had absolutely nothing to do with my current situation. It is just good to know that there is a guy out there as good as Gideon.**
On another note, I told Tim last night. At first he was angry, and said I had been looking for a way out for a long time, that if it hadn't been this, it would have been something else that I left him for. Well, maybe that's true, because it seems no matter how many chances I give him, he always manages to fuck things up. After the anger wore off, he asked me to stay, and when I refused, asked for a week to process this and decide what he wants to do about the car that is in both of our names, the Jetta. The lease on it is up in about 2 years. I guess I figured I would take the car that I am driving and he would take the one that he is driving, but it is understandable for him to need to think about this. If he wants to keep it, I guess I will fly straight to Boston. I am bummed that if it goes this way, I won't get to see some of the friends that I was planning on seeing in California and Seattle, and my parents in Montana. I was sort of looking forward to the drive to clear my head and be alone with my thoughts.
I feel sorry for Tim at times like these. Sometimes I think he is a conniving selfish wretch of a person to keep breaking my trust and making promises that he almost immediately breaks...and sometimes I feel sorry for him because I think he is either so lost or so confused that he just can't help but sabotage himself. He said the only reason he talked to her was because he wanted to properly say goodbye. Why couldn't he have told me this, instead of going behind my back again? He offered to stop talking to her forever...I didn't twist his arm to offer that, but he did, and I made it perfectly clear that I accepted that offer, because in previous times he has claimed that he didn't think I actually wanted him to do something he said he was going to do...men... Last night he put on a show of emailing her "one last time" telling her that he can never talk to her again and that he has destroyed the thing dearest to him. You know what? Too little, too late. He should have either talked to me instead of going behind my back, or made good on his original promise not to talk to her. He claimed to have said goodbye over two months ago. I'm done, but I do feel a little bad for him because he pulls this little puppy act like he honestly didn't know what he was doing to us.
I think all of this would be whole lot easier if I saw things in black and white. He has had too many chances, and he's an asshole in a lot more ways than one. When it comes down to it though, we still have some good times together. It's just a lot more bad than good at this point, and he keeps proving that he will never change. Some of the good things include having someone grateful to cook for, someone to share your life with, Sunday drives to the North Shore holding hands in the car, and movie nights when he isn't demanding that his feet are rubbed and we've managed to pick a movie we both enjoy. The bad: demanding attention (a LOT more than he gives me), his not even pretending that he's vaguely interested in some of the things I do when I do the same for him, the lying, the cheating, his high-strung nature (being annoyed when someone taps their foot or something), his being mean to strangers, like waitresses or other people in general, his being mean to ME on occaision, and his bigotry and selfishness. Still, marriage is a huge commitment and not one I took lightly, so I feel like I have to be absolutely sure that I'm doing the right thing here. I think I am.
On another note, I told Tim last night. At first he was angry, and said I had been looking for a way out for a long time, that if it hadn't been this, it would have been something else that I left him for. Well, maybe that's true, because it seems no matter how many chances I give him, he always manages to fuck things up. After the anger wore off, he asked me to stay, and when I refused, asked for a week to process this and decide what he wants to do about the car that is in both of our names, the Jetta. The lease on it is up in about 2 years. I guess I figured I would take the car that I am driving and he would take the one that he is driving, but it is understandable for him to need to think about this. If he wants to keep it, I guess I will fly straight to Boston. I am bummed that if it goes this way, I won't get to see some of the friends that I was planning on seeing in California and Seattle, and my parents in Montana. I was sort of looking forward to the drive to clear my head and be alone with my thoughts.
I feel sorry for Tim at times like these. Sometimes I think he is a conniving selfish wretch of a person to keep breaking my trust and making promises that he almost immediately breaks...and sometimes I feel sorry for him because I think he is either so lost or so confused that he just can't help but sabotage himself. He said the only reason he talked to her was because he wanted to properly say goodbye. Why couldn't he have told me this, instead of going behind my back again? He offered to stop talking to her forever...I didn't twist his arm to offer that, but he did, and I made it perfectly clear that I accepted that offer, because in previous times he has claimed that he didn't think I actually wanted him to do something he said he was going to do...men... Last night he put on a show of emailing her "one last time" telling her that he can never talk to her again and that he has destroyed the thing dearest to him. You know what? Too little, too late. He should have either talked to me instead of going behind my back, or made good on his original promise not to talk to her. He claimed to have said goodbye over two months ago. I'm done, but I do feel a little bad for him because he pulls this little puppy act like he honestly didn't know what he was doing to us.
I think all of this would be whole lot easier if I saw things in black and white. He has had too many chances, and he's an asshole in a lot more ways than one. When it comes down to it though, we still have some good times together. It's just a lot more bad than good at this point, and he keeps proving that he will never change. Some of the good things include having someone grateful to cook for, someone to share your life with, Sunday drives to the North Shore holding hands in the car, and movie nights when he isn't demanding that his feet are rubbed and we've managed to pick a movie we both enjoy. The bad: demanding attention (a LOT more than he gives me), his not even pretending that he's vaguely interested in some of the things I do when I do the same for him, the lying, the cheating, his high-strung nature (being annoyed when someone taps their foot or something), his being mean to strangers, like waitresses or other people in general, his being mean to ME on occaision, and his bigotry and selfishness. Still, marriage is a huge commitment and not one I took lightly, so I feel like I have to be absolutely sure that I'm doing the right thing here. I think I am.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
This is Surreal
I'm still feeling strange, and uneasy. My stomach always feels like it's flipping, so I haven't eaten that much. Don't get me wrong, I eat a couple of times a day, but my stomach just feels weird. I'm glad to be not eating so much...I need to lose weight anyway. It's hard to lose weight when you're living with a guy.
I was on Craigslist last night looking at the personals, just for fun, because soon, I can actually date if I want to (not that I necessarily want to date on CL). Man, there are a lot of weirdos out there. Some guys go so far as to list what color eyes and hair and what size you should wear. Get real you idiots! You're on Craigslist, looking for a date. Oh yeah, and a lot of the guys are borderline illiterate (if you want go out for good time rig me up). That's attractive. Go to a bar, jackass.
Today was the day I planned to tell Tim I'm leaving. Oh boy. He just called to tell me about a formal event next Friday. I need to tell him. No matter what he's done to me, I don't want to go on living this lie. Two and a half weeks is a long time to live with someone when they know you're going to be leaving. He'll try to talk me out of it again. That's the worst part. I find it difficult to go from treating someone like you love them to treating them like you don't, at least when I'm living with them. My friends, even the ones who I've just recently gotten back in touch with, have been wonderful to me. To any of you reading this, thank you. Thank you for offering assistance where you can and for being there for support. I hate to think I'm a "taker," more than a giver, but I guess there are times in your life when you don't have a whole lot more to give than your friendship.
I feel like I had some deep thoughts yesterday night that I wanted to share on here, but now I can't remember what they were. Maybe the glass of wine just made me think they were deep...
I was on Craigslist last night looking at the personals, just for fun, because soon, I can actually date if I want to (not that I necessarily want to date on CL). Man, there are a lot of weirdos out there. Some guys go so far as to list what color eyes and hair and what size you should wear. Get real you idiots! You're on Craigslist, looking for a date. Oh yeah, and a lot of the guys are borderline illiterate (if you want go out for good time rig me up). That's attractive. Go to a bar, jackass.
Today was the day I planned to tell Tim I'm leaving. Oh boy. He just called to tell me about a formal event next Friday. I need to tell him. No matter what he's done to me, I don't want to go on living this lie. Two and a half weeks is a long time to live with someone when they know you're going to be leaving. He'll try to talk me out of it again. That's the worst part. I find it difficult to go from treating someone like you love them to treating them like you don't, at least when I'm living with them. My friends, even the ones who I've just recently gotten back in touch with, have been wonderful to me. To any of you reading this, thank you. Thank you for offering assistance where you can and for being there for support. I hate to think I'm a "taker," more than a giver, but I guess there are times in your life when you don't have a whole lot more to give than your friendship.
I feel like I had some deep thoughts yesterday night that I wanted to share on here, but now I can't remember what they were. Maybe the glass of wine just made me think they were deep...
Monday, February 9, 2009
Feeling Strange
A couple of months ago I almost left. I came about this close [] to booking my car to be shipped. But I let Tim convince me that things would change. A friend said she was proud of me for making this decision, and I am too. That feels good. It's strange to be packing everything up. I don't have much to do during the days now. All I really have to do, besides tell Tim, is box some things up and book my flight. I'm so anxious. I wish the process of shipping a car was a shorter one. I would be on the road right now if I didn't have to ship my car. In fact, I might already be in Boston.
The decision to move to Boston was a little tough. It is the pharmaceutical capital in the world, so it makes sense for me to go there. Plus, I always thought Sacramento would feel like home, but now that my parents have left, it doesn't. However, I do have some friends there that I would like to see again (Cindel, Kelly, Shannon). That would be nice. Everyone's doing pretty well, especially Shannon and Cindel. Kelly's life is changing just like mine. I sort of wonder if I'll ever have friends like those, the type that you want to look up even when you haven't seen them in a long time. I doubt it, but now that I have a chance to go somewhere and stay there, the chance of long-lasting friendships is good. That's nice.
This all just feels strange. I am ending a chapter of my life. In three months I have quit grad school and am about to end my marriage, or at least be legally separated. How will he take it? A big part of me doesn't care. I don't care about him anymore. Maybe that's harsh, but it's true. I stopped liking him for a lot of his bad qualities a long time ago. Months? Years? I don't know exactly. But I didn't stop loving him until about five months ago, or maybe even a few days ago. Maybe a small part of me will always love him, but I don't think so. I don't think I'll be all that curious where he is or who is in his life. There will always be some girl who he sweeps off her feet and who wants to be taken care of. A few years later she will probably realize that he will do nothing of the sort, that he will break her trust and begrudge her rent if she doesn't chip in for it. He is insecure and selfish. That is what it boils down to. But it's okay. There are things about me that resulted from my being with him, and if this hadn't happened, I would have wondered if he was my someone. The love of my life. Maybe he is. He's not worth it anymore, and I'm sure of that, even if he was the love of my life. I'm good with that.
I get to catch the tail end of the cold! I am excited about that. I miss the seasons, and I think somehow, that I was meant to live somewhere that it gets cold. Maybe it's something in my blood, from having ancestors who survived in the cold, but there is definitely something in me that loves the cold, the white winters. Yes, i know it turns to slush and gets hard to drive in, but I love it. Maybe I'll even die in a car crash because of it. I told you I was feeling strange. I didn't mention to you that I was in a car crash a couple of days before Christmas in Michigan. Tim was driving. We slid and crashed into a car that was horizontal in the road, and then someone hit us from behind. The seat I was in got so distorted and bent. Amazing to think I was in that seat. I just sustained deep bruising that went away in a month. That was a painful month. But now I can look back at it and think, Gosh, I'm glad it doesn't hurt to twist or lie down anymore.
Three fighter jets seem to be putting on a show outside my balcony. I feel like those jets, free, and potentially dead because of my own choices. I guess that's what free is.
The decision to move to Boston was a little tough. It is the pharmaceutical capital in the world, so it makes sense for me to go there. Plus, I always thought Sacramento would feel like home, but now that my parents have left, it doesn't. However, I do have some friends there that I would like to see again (Cindel, Kelly, Shannon). That would be nice. Everyone's doing pretty well, especially Shannon and Cindel. Kelly's life is changing just like mine. I sort of wonder if I'll ever have friends like those, the type that you want to look up even when you haven't seen them in a long time. I doubt it, but now that I have a chance to go somewhere and stay there, the chance of long-lasting friendships is good. That's nice.
This all just feels strange. I am ending a chapter of my life. In three months I have quit grad school and am about to end my marriage, or at least be legally separated. How will he take it? A big part of me doesn't care. I don't care about him anymore. Maybe that's harsh, but it's true. I stopped liking him for a lot of his bad qualities a long time ago. Months? Years? I don't know exactly. But I didn't stop loving him until about five months ago, or maybe even a few days ago. Maybe a small part of me will always love him, but I don't think so. I don't think I'll be all that curious where he is or who is in his life. There will always be some girl who he sweeps off her feet and who wants to be taken care of. A few years later she will probably realize that he will do nothing of the sort, that he will break her trust and begrudge her rent if she doesn't chip in for it. He is insecure and selfish. That is what it boils down to. But it's okay. There are things about me that resulted from my being with him, and if this hadn't happened, I would have wondered if he was my someone. The love of my life. Maybe he is. He's not worth it anymore, and I'm sure of that, even if he was the love of my life. I'm good with that.
I get to catch the tail end of the cold! I am excited about that. I miss the seasons, and I think somehow, that I was meant to live somewhere that it gets cold. Maybe it's something in my blood, from having ancestors who survived in the cold, but there is definitely something in me that loves the cold, the white winters. Yes, i know it turns to slush and gets hard to drive in, but I love it. Maybe I'll even die in a car crash because of it. I told you I was feeling strange. I didn't mention to you that I was in a car crash a couple of days before Christmas in Michigan. Tim was driving. We slid and crashed into a car that was horizontal in the road, and then someone hit us from behind. The seat I was in got so distorted and bent. Amazing to think I was in that seat. I just sustained deep bruising that went away in a month. That was a painful month. But now I can look back at it and think, Gosh, I'm glad it doesn't hurt to twist or lie down anymore.
Three fighter jets seem to be putting on a show outside my balcony. I feel like those jets, free, and potentially dead because of my own choices. I guess that's what free is.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sick
Well, yet again, I am convinced I should leave. I feel sick. Like I have a cold and I can feel the blood flowing through my veins because my body knows that I am not well. I found an innocent-enough email from Tim to this friend he said he would NEVER talk to again, and it's over. I don't care if there aren't implications of cheating, it's enough that he's breaking my trust yet again.
I just hate him right now. You know, a couple of munths ago we were at his family's for Christmas and he started teasing me about something I told him never to mention and I blurted out, "I HATE you!" I felt bad, but what shocked me was that I really did hate him, that it didn't feel like a lie when I said it. I do. I hate him for taking this 14-year-old girl and lying to her and making her love him when he wasn't available to be loved, and for making so many promises that he never kept. He said he would get a divorce and wait for me, he said I wouldn't be alone for New Year's, and then he cheated on not one, but TWO people. How do you do that? He is such an ugly person that I never want anything to do with him again. I hate him so much.
He then went onto tell Brynn that he loved her, that he wanted to fly her out here, that he wished he could take care of her when she was sick. All this while promising his devotion to me. THEN, he made reservations for two, him and Amanda at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. And rented a nice hotel for the night. I want to die, but that would be too easy. I have to make it and start enjoying my life. It will be nice to put all this behind me. And how fitting, it has been a decade since we first got so serious. I will call it the learning decade.
I just hate him right now. You know, a couple of munths ago we were at his family's for Christmas and he started teasing me about something I told him never to mention and I blurted out, "I HATE you!" I felt bad, but what shocked me was that I really did hate him, that it didn't feel like a lie when I said it. I do. I hate him for taking this 14-year-old girl and lying to her and making her love him when he wasn't available to be loved, and for making so many promises that he never kept. He said he would get a divorce and wait for me, he said I wouldn't be alone for New Year's, and then he cheated on not one, but TWO people. How do you do that? He is such an ugly person that I never want anything to do with him again. I hate him so much.
He then went onto tell Brynn that he loved her, that he wanted to fly her out here, that he wished he could take care of her when she was sick. All this while promising his devotion to me. THEN, he made reservations for two, him and Amanda at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. And rented a nice hotel for the night. I want to die, but that would be too easy. I have to make it and start enjoying my life. It will be nice to put all this behind me. And how fitting, it has been a decade since we first got so serious. I will call it the learning decade.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
It's been So Long!
It's been a very long time since I blogged. A year, in fact. I have been applying for jobs in Hawaii and on the mainland, but have only heard from the jobs in Hawaii that I'm really not crazy about. It would just be to pass the time until Tim got restationed, to God Knows Where. Argh!
Just to fill in the cracks since I last wrote, I quit graduate school because we were expected to work 60 hours a week and I was not living my life because of it. You have to have some balance. Also, things with Tim have not been good. We argue, where we never argued before. The difference, you ask? The difference is that I'm growing a spine. For the longest time, I would be quiet and not express my feelings if Tim did something that bothered me, but I have been trying to voice myself. How can you have a relationship if the other person doesn't know you, doesn't respect you, and doesn't want to?
Oh trust me, I have berated myself for this relationship, I have seriously thought about leaving, and I still am. He promised to treat me so wonderfully that I would never want to leave. Well, it lasted about a month. Then Mr Hyde arrived again. Forget it! I want to be done with the disrespect, the wondering if he cheated on me (which I probably deserve considering how the relationship started), the obligation sex! The obligation sex is the worst!! Boooriiiing. Yes, I know that's terrible and it shouldn't be said, but this is my blog and I need to vent!! So here it is, the question: Should I leave him for good? He was desperate when I told him I was going to leave, and it made me think he wants this so badly that maybe he can change. But he can't really, can he? After his fear of me leaving wore off, things went right back to normal. I think I just want to find a job on the mainland and move there all by myself. it's just so hard to find a job there until you actually live there. Employers don't want to fly you out to interview you or worry about relocation costs if they do hire you. Bleh. I think perhaps the only way to do this is to dive right in, move, and try to find a job. But it's so scary. What if you don't find a job for months? I have some money, but not several months' worth.
Just to fill in the cracks since I last wrote, I quit graduate school because we were expected to work 60 hours a week and I was not living my life because of it. You have to have some balance. Also, things with Tim have not been good. We argue, where we never argued before. The difference, you ask? The difference is that I'm growing a spine. For the longest time, I would be quiet and not express my feelings if Tim did something that bothered me, but I have been trying to voice myself. How can you have a relationship if the other person doesn't know you, doesn't respect you, and doesn't want to?
Oh trust me, I have berated myself for this relationship, I have seriously thought about leaving, and I still am. He promised to treat me so wonderfully that I would never want to leave. Well, it lasted about a month. Then Mr Hyde arrived again. Forget it! I want to be done with the disrespect, the wondering if he cheated on me (which I probably deserve considering how the relationship started), the obligation sex! The obligation sex is the worst!! Boooriiiing. Yes, I know that's terrible and it shouldn't be said, but this is my blog and I need to vent!! So here it is, the question: Should I leave him for good? He was desperate when I told him I was going to leave, and it made me think he wants this so badly that maybe he can change. But he can't really, can he? After his fear of me leaving wore off, things went right back to normal. I think I just want to find a job on the mainland and move there all by myself. it's just so hard to find a job there until you actually live there. Employers don't want to fly you out to interview you or worry about relocation costs if they do hire you. Bleh. I think perhaps the only way to do this is to dive right in, move, and try to find a job. But it's so scary. What if you don't find a job for months? I have some money, but not several months' worth.
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